Monday, December 31, 2012

little bit now.

Master ... wow haven't called my husband that in a long time. I'm only using it here because I don't think I have used his or my name on here. Maybe. Not sure.

I have started a new fetlife profile. Starting over! I'm learning things, the past few months have been decent. I like dominance, but usually only with sex.

But, Thomas wants to try new things, or go back to the way things were. I seem to be more shy about sex now then I have ever been with him. I think fetlife will help a lot.

He posted about stuff in his blog - http://alphachronicles1013.blogspot.com

His mother sent us a message on facebook, saying she was deleting us on facebook because of our 'bdsm lifestyle and blogs' and told the rest of their immediate family to do the same. It seems the only way she would know if she was snooping. Our blogs or not linked at all on facebook - we don't talk about BDSM or anything on there.

I can see her deleting me because of my LGBT and Gay Marriage and Atheism type of postings, but...lol

Just interesting.

Um, just an update :) I haven't read any of your blogs, the one I follow.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

regression

I feel like I am 'regressing' in relations to sex. I'm shy, I can't imitate anything, and I am too shy to even SAY I want to have sex, I want him to love me AND hurt me, I want him to do it all. I've told him I want more foreplay, but that's it. I'm just.. I need him to do it, I can't initiate, and it's making me cry right now thinking about it. I want sex, but I don't want to initiate it.

I want him to pay attention to touch and taste. I want him to touch me everywhere, not just for a few seconds, but a long amount of minutes; I want him to kiss me slowly, softly, and less tongue and wetness. I want him to slowly move his hands over my body, savoring the shapes. I want him to gently nip me on my skin while doing this, and do it slowly. No biting, just light nips. I want him to make me blush because it feels good but I am a bit weary about my body, but he shows me that I'm beautiful.

That's the kind of sex I want. Not a few moments of kissing, then me sucking his dick, then sex. I want more, damnit! I haven't had this in a long time. It's making me irritable.

I don't think this as a demand. I just want to be loved, not be 'sexed'.

Maybe after one of these times, I'll be ready for 'sexed'.

This is mostly for him to see, cause, again, I am finding it hard to be verbal.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Neglection (200th post)

I've neglected this blog because I don't feel like I am in a M/s relationship anymore. He doesn't seem to be the one in charge, and I seem to be doing my own thing, instead of things for him.

I don't know if I consider that M/s, so it's been hard to keep this blog updated.

There was one evening we tried to do a scene. His instructions were to be in my black lace thong and high heels, kneeling on the floor in front of the couch. I was also to find the rope, flogger, and lay them by the couch. I was kind of nervous because he didn't tell me anything else, but was also excited cause I haven't had a scene in ages. Months, maybe!

I was kneeling as he said when he got home. He tied the rope to the loop in the collar, kissing me, and running his hands over me. He didn't use the flogger. He pulled me to the bedroom, kissing me, and used his hands, then mouth on me. He flipped me over, and his cock was inside me. He spanked me a little, but not enough to leave a mark.

We both finished, but I felt so unsatisfied it wasn't funny. I wanted to use the flogger, the rope, more foreplay. I felt like crying after it. I told Master this, as I am trying to keep my feelings open for him to know. It helps to know how the other is feeling right?

It wasn't great at all. Sex was fine, but I don't like fine.

After that, we haven't done much. We've had sex since then, better, because he spanked so hard I was flinching it hurt, but I wouldn't mind more flogger time, more foreplay time, more living room playtime. I mean, we have the apartment to ourselves, why not use it?

I've been starting to write a book on living with mental health issues - so I've been trying to focus on that and get through work without falling on my face with depression or manic episodes. That makes my mind busy.

<3 thanks so much for the 40,000+ views, and not sure who is looking at me all the time on here, but there ya go :)

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Erotica

 LET ME MAKE YOU BETTER

WARNING: INCEST (18+ characters of course)

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Tuesday, October 16, 2012

new blogging

Master wrote a new blog. Check it out in the link to the side, eh?

venting...

I was so frustrated last night and I was crying. My little was out, I wasn't feeling good, and I kept saying "just tell me what to do!" and Master got all confused. He didn't get it, and then he figured out I need a step by step orders. "Get up. Walk to the Kitchen. Get a drink. Breathe" and then he got frustrated saying "do you need to have step by step instructions? seriously?"

I'm still frustrated. I mean, I need that type of instruction, and he doesn't get it and it's hard cause my mind doesn';t do well with a "maybe: attitude. I need specifics down to the last detail so I know I am doing what he wants the right way.

venting

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Caught a bit off guard...

Off guard in a good way. I wrote about the whole poly thing in my public/vanilla livejournal blog, and a commenter said that maybe Master was taking time because we had only been married for 4 months. It sunk in, and I was all "Whoa, you are right!" it feels like we've been married longer.

So, I was going to talk to Master about waiting, and to apologize for pushing it. Just as I was going to text him, from work, he texted me with a "Yes, to your question about finding a partner". I blinked and asked him if he was sure.

He wrote a writing on it, here, and explains why he said yes. I gotta say, I'm nervous, not cause he said yes, but because I am allowed to look for what I want to find. I'm scared and a feeling a bit new.

Master has been happier and a bit more 'up' since he told me yes. We even had really good sex that night. He asked me the night before about how I would feel if he dated someone. I said that I would feel a bit awkward, but I would get over it. I would only have negative feelings because of worry, not because I didn't trust or love him. And that I would learn to get over that, if he wanted to be in another relationship someone he truly liked.

We both have confidence in our bond and love. I think that is the best thing you can have when starting a poly type of relationship.

:-)

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

I just wanted to lead you guys to Master's post about why he said yes to poly. I will write a bigger post tomorrow :)

http://alphachronicles1013.blogspot.com/2012/10/the-why-my-decision-to-say-yes-to-poly.html

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Another person, time, talking

I don't hide things from him, but I am going to have to word this the right way with him. I want another male in my life - another male partner. We consider ourselves polyamorous, as I've written out in the little essay about my relationship. I hope I explained that part decently.

I am not sure I want this new male partner to be sexual. My little side needs some attention, and I feel I can't do it with Thomas. If I didn't explain my 'little' side, it's basically a mindset - I am 5 years old during certain times and act like a 5 year old. I like that part of me, but I don't let it take over my life.

I think I also have a 'tween' side to me, but that is doing fine cause she is sexual, and can come out when sex is happening, at least in my mind, and I can have fun with it. I'm okay with that part. It's the 5 year old that keeps getting stuck in my head, not being able to come out.

I haven't been able to let it out at all, though, and it's bothering me. It's a part of me that I truly want to be around at least sometimes. I want to play and be around people who understand it. I want a 'top' type of person who takes care of me, plays with me, and I can call... well.. Daddy. As in a daddy figure. Thomas is more of a 'best friend/lover' type of person.

Anyway, I am going to ask him for permission to 'date' a 'daddy figure' type of guy. It may be a little odd at first, trying to keep sexual little cherie and little little cherie separate, but I think I can do it, and it can help. I've tried other things - doing it on my own, playing with my groups on fetlife - but it isn't the same as Real Life contact with person with my little side.

I am going to give it a few more days, so I can show Thomas that I do love him, and this doesn't mean I love him less, or that he is less to me. I may show him this entry. It kind of fits what I have in mind. Not sure totally what I want yet, so...

^^ This is what I wrote yesterday. It kind of came out last night after playing, when I was still high on subspace and would answer anything honestly. He says that the only thing stopping him is "trusting another person with his life" and he says he considers me his life right now.

I get that. It made me understand better. It also made me understand that it would happen with time. He needs to find someone he trusts, and I need to find someone I am compatible with. I told him he doesn't have to be in love with the guy, but respect and trust would be there. I also said I wouldn't be sexual as soon as I met the person. It might even take months for the sex to come up.

I did say I needed a serious relationship with another male, just because of the way my brain thinks and how it works and such, and that includes sexual time. He said he got it, just come around to the trust thing. He said he'd give me an answer soon, so that's cool. My brain just doesn't work with the Yes or No answer, it just doesn't compute it well.

I told him it may come to practicing and seeing if it works or not - it may hurt a little, but that may be the only way to even give it a chance.

He said maybe.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

I apologize..

I haven't written anything exciting lately, and I apologize. I have some thoughts tumbling in my had, but they are for a paper journal until I can completely write them for all to see, if that makes sense. One of those things that I want to have the right words before I tell everyone, yeah?

I will try to go through the blogs I follow and comment after this is done being written :)

I only have two more things for my Halloween costume. I have a skirt and a glittery purple headband to get. I don't have the money right now, but maybe when Master and I go grocery shopping tomorrow we can get some - the skirt is on clearance and I want it before it goes!

I am Twilight Sparkle. So excited :) Haven't worn my corset lately, haven't' had sex lately, and we haven't done anything 'M/s' centric in a long while. Work, money, and stress, ya know?

But, I am always his slave at heart, so I don't think that is a big deal :) Here is some pictures to get ya through the blandness that is my blog!

Just woke up from this morning.
Collar appreciation!

Friday, September 28, 2012

Long time no see.

I haven't written in here in ages. I'm sorry, guys :( Master and I have been doing the same old thing - work and sleep. Work and sleep. It's so boring. I'm having issues with it. I've always been a person who does new things all the time. I get bored easily. And now it's happening again.

Not with our relationship, just our life in general. I've talked to Master about it, and we are trying to think of new things for us to do. I am starting school in January, but that's... months away XD How am I going to get past the next 3 months? Oi.

Besides that, I am really excited for halloween. I get to be Twilight Sparkle! All I need is the skirt from Target I found, and some cat ears. It looks like I am going to have to buy some white or pink ones and spray paint them purple. I could go without them, but then I'll just be a a girl in a weird dressed up outfit....

I leave you with pictures...





Thursday, September 20, 2012

smoking. again.

Ugh, stupid arguments about smoking. If I would just shut up and let Master be comfortable with talking to me then it wouldn't have been a big deal.

Long story short, I found some cigs missing from a pack in his car since the last time I checked it (last month), and got upset. We talked about, and he said that he does it when he feels he's about to 'break'. I understand, totally.

He also said that he wanted to stop, but didn't know another way to calm himself down. We talked abou other options, and there are some he'd rather try.

So my job is to throw away the cigarettes, lighters, and anything else related to smoking today, and throw it in the dumpster out back. He said he doesn't want to argue with me, and he doesn't want to depend on smoking to calm him down.

Talking works, not yelling and worrying. I need to remember that.

Other than that, things are... not really exciting. We had sex last night for the first time in about two weeks, because of work, my trip, and his drill weekend.

I've been thinking about wanting some pain scenes, but haven't had the courage to ask him and be ready for him. I feel so shy about it...

Hm. How are you guys? I am back and started to comment on some of your blogs :)

Saturday, September 15, 2012

More pictures and vids

If you want to see all of my pictures, I have then on facebook in a public folder. Not sure I should put the link, so comment if you want it and I will give it to you through email?

Here is two videos: Part 1 is me around LA, getting lost and talking about stuff. Part 2 is the show with clips put together. Sound is bad but you can hear the songs kinda :)


Pictures!!

Signage! My pics are in weird orders, btw

Tom Fletcher <3 I gropped his leg a few times

Harry "Fuzzy" Judd.
My camera is fuzzy not him XD
<3
Ukelele! <3 <3 New song to be released Christmas as a single.


Danny Jones and Dougie Poynter

He didn't get close enough to touch ha

Danny Jones! He loves to get touched, he was jumping into fans left and right

Last photo of the show <3

Got this free. It's a bit ripped and folded now BUT it shows my adventure!

about to leave
My spot for 10 hours, where the red and white bag is

smile!


my wrist band to save my place in line

Sex shop/Cafe - it was cute

Some friends I made got these at the hustler shop

Concert about to start!

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Hello!

I am back! Nothing much to talk about M/s wise. I have videos and pictures of my trip if you truly want to see them :) Master and I got one night together, and he had to go away for a 5 day drill weekend. *sigh* AND I gotta walk ot work cause I don't have enough gas to drive to work. It takes 5 minutes - that's how low we are ha

Saturday, September 8, 2012

I can't listen to McFly without feeling sick and wanting to cry. I think it's nerves and happiness, but it makes me go 'Whaaaaa?!' Tonight is the MWA event, I go to LA tomorrow, and my grandparents are sending me money to pay for cab fare. I said only $100, they basically said "Shut up, we are sending $200". I feel so bad :( But they know how to say no and would if thy couldn't/wouldn't do it.

Still.

I feel like this, though!


Super excited. Got my plans together, meeting up with McFly fans early, and rumor has it they are playing a new song! <3 Really excited about going to LA. I've always wanted to go, and can cross that off my bucket list. I may not do anything spectacular besides the show, but it still is awesome!

Master wants me to wear a short black dress with my high high-heels. I'm nervous about wearing it in public, cause it is short and I'm, well, fat, but Masater says it looks good on me, and the shoes and I can bring my flip flops. I am also bringing some coloring stuff and stickers for my 'little' friends.

Still nervous about the dress :(

Here is a picture from yesterday:

I didn't realize until AFTER I wrote it that it was permanent. I still have some of it on me, ha!

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Pictures

Just pictures of me looking weird in my new clothing. Face looks weird, but I still am okay with it XD



My first time wearing skinny jeans. They are adorable.

Medications Are lame

I am having issues with my Seroqual XR. It's the one I take at night to help me sleep. I'm fine working the 12-8 shift, I tend to wake up enough by noon to do it. But I have been doing 8-4/430 shifts lately, and I don't have time to wake up from the night before.

I had to come home because I couldn't stay awake, even standing up. i couldn't lift the things I needed to lift... oi.

I told Master, and he seems worried. I am sure it's just my medication, and if I tweak it, things will be fine.

I leave in 4 days and see McFly in 5. HOLY CRAP.

Sunday, September 2, 2012

50 Shades - this is me, not that!

From reviews and quotes of "Shades Of Grey" and the other books in the series, I have learned that it's full of crap and gives the world I revel and live and feel normal in a bad name. Yes, some of it is fun, but certain things (begging HER to forgive HIM for HER not obeying? fuck that!). So, here I am, showing a bit more of myself to my followers on here.

I am writing this after this magazine cover at work made me a bit upset.

Now, I am going to explain and describe my relationship with BDSM, Kink, and my M/s style relationship.

This is my view on things. I know others don't agree, and I know others do agree. I am not going to respond to people saying I am wrong.

 

1) Giving and receiving pain
This was the first experience I had, after observing, in kink. I've gotten naked at a private party and have been whipped by a flogger. This is what a flogger is. It's not like a single tail whip, but it can do some damage. I've seen someone bleed from it. Kidneys are a big thing to make sure you don't fuck up when using this tool.

This is my favorite. Another way to give pain for myself is to hit me barehanded. I like spankings on the ass, I don't like being hit anywhere else. Thomas has a thing for breasts and causing them pain, so I have been getting used to him smacking me on the breasts, even if I don't want or like it. (I will talk about control and consent later.) He is also into pinching my nipples, which I also am not a fan of, but the pain is what I like.
I use pain to level myself out. Since I have been taking medications for that, my wanting of pain has gone down. Master hasn't made me do anything on that level, yet, but I can see him getting antsy. He likes to give pain to myself, to what he owns and controls, it's a pleasurable feeling for him.

Now, myself giving pain. I like do to what is listed above, even the breasts and nipple pain, to someone. I like it, but Master doesn't like receiving pain, so I haven't acted on it much. I've thrown a flogger before, and used a riding crop, and it was thrilling. It's hard to explain. Giving pain is sometimes sexual, not always for me. Receiving is very sexual for myself, usually, and it arouses me after I get into my 'headspace'.

2) Rough sex

Another aspect of my relationships is rough sex. This includes choking, biting, hair pulling, and sometimes forced sex. I've always liked this kind of stuff, even before I became fully sexual.

Choking can be an easy thing to explain to people. The 'high' of no air flow, ya know? That is only part of the reason I like it. We went to a 'breath play' demo, and were shown some different ways to do it to make it safer. Of course it will never be safe, but there are always ways to make it safer. Anyway, the other reason for the choking is the power of the one doing it. I am being choked - a symbol of someone overtaking me. That kind of thing turns me on.

The biting is a primal thing, I suppose. Master is big on wolf and packs and such, which I will talk more in my polyamory section. It's a mark that I am his, and he has allowed me to do the same to him but only if I verbally ask "May I bite you?" - this goes with the total control thing I'll chat about later on.
Hair pulling is an easy, kinda vanilla like, so I don't think I need to explain that.

Forced sex may be a "WTF?" kind of thing for people who don't get what type of relationship I am in. I seriously sometimes say "NO!" and everything when this happens. It's dry and it hurts me, and yet, I love it. It's my favorite kind of sex, ever. I don't want it during, but afterword, I thank him, verbally, and snuggle with him. Ultimate take over, ya know?

3) Bondage

I don't do this much anymore, because this is usually a social thing for me. We have some role and some ribbon that we play with sometimes, and I've posted pictures about it. I like to have my hands and feet secured during a some sort of 'giving' pain scene, or during sex. It gives the 'control' over to Master more, and I think that's why I like it.

I used to get scared when my feet and hands were both secured at the same time, but I think after getting trust situated with Master, I am now completely okay with it. Another one I used to be scared of is tying my hands behind my back. It isn't so bad :) Pictures of being tied up is a lovely thing!

I don't have much to say on bondage so.. it says it for itself, I suppose.

04) Consensual Nonconsentual

Consensual: Yes!
Nonconsensual: No!

So, when we started to talking about am M's relationship, which I'll explain the meaning of to us later on, we both agreed that it meant that I consented to do things I didn't want to do. That is what CN is. I don't want to have sex right now. Well, sorry, I do, and he makes me.

To most, that is rape. Marital rape, because we are married now.

To us? This is just him asserted his control, as we both consented to earlier. I keep my promises, and he has allowed me to be able to speak my mind and ask to change whatever he may set his mind to do. My promise, as his slave, is to please him first anyway possible. His job as a Master is to keep me happy enough to do it.

Honestly, we are still working on what we both want and don't want, so the CN is not a big deal right now in our lives. I think as we grow and our relationship grows, there may be some things that may be considered CN. One of the reasons I agree to CN with Master, is because we are so compatible with each others likes and dislikes. He is also willing to compromise, as I am.

05) Punishment/Discipline


Punishment: teaches the person to fear.
Discipline: teaches the person to trust.

This can be a big issue when training a slave. Myself, I learn better by visual and physical learning. When I am ordered to do something, I need to do it, then be told if I am doing it right or wrong, and then told (or we discuss together) how I need to fix it. Training is very settle when it comes to our relationship. I never notice it until, like, months later.

Some things that happen when I disobey, or he fells I haven't done something right deliberately has been: computer time taken away, more chores, and I've written essays. I dislike doing this stuff. (The essays I dislike because I have to do it, not cause I want to.) These are great disciplining things for me, cause it takes something away that I love but don't depend on, and i get it back once whatever happened is fixed.

Communication is a big deal when it comes to this type of thing, and we are really good at that.

I am never punished. I have never been punished. Master says that punishment isn't needed if you want to train a slave, and I agree.

06) Terms: BDSM, kink, Master, slave, wife, husband, polyamorous, etc.

Some terms I use that you may not understand the meaning that Master and I believe they mean:

- Master: someone who has consensually taken complete control over a person. The level of actual control is up to them. Capitalized to show that they are 'above' their slave. A happy slave is a good slave, so their responsibility is to make sure their slave can please them the way they want.
- slave - a person who consensually gives complete control to a person. The level of control is initially agreed together, but after that it is decided by their Master. Lower cased to show that they are 'below' their Master. Their responsibility is to serve their Master and obey what they decide, but speak up when they think something is wrong.
- wife - see slave.
- Husband - see Master
- Polyamorous - Multiple loves. A mixture of greek and latin, I know. But, Master and I consider Poly as to be romantically involved with other people. Sex isn't just what this is about. It's about caring, and sometimes you share your partners together, or alone. Master and I are interested in dating a couple, but we haven't worked out the details yet.
- BDSM: Bondage Discipline Sadism Masochism. - easy to figure that out, right? Sadism - giving pain. Masochism - receiving pain. Simplified meanings! D/s is also included in this, just a bit, but D/s and M/s is all about control, and only sometimes about BDSM.
- Kink/Fetish: Anything that arouses you. That is how I see it, and I think those are the same thing, just different words.

07) How my relationship is real and not just some playtime activity when I feel like it

I have people ask me a lot - what do you mean M/s? You can't be a slave, it's illegal! Well, yes, on paper it is. Our M/s relationship is more about practicality and mentally. We also consider marriage a 'vow'. It's sad that we can't marry others if/when we find someone who serve us, or I serve, or whatever.

Practicality: I need leadership. I can lead, but only if I am lead myself. I am kind of like a middle man when it comes to leading. I like having specifics that need to be done laid out. You can see my rules here, at my slave blog. Honestly, I can get out of most of them with a good reason. Today I am wearing clothing because I said I was a bit chilly. Having those rules keeps my head from exploding, keeps me from freaking out, and helps me focus on tasks that need to be done.

 Mentally: Like I said before, it keeps my head from exploding. Knowing that someone cares enough to take control of me makes me want to face life, makes me want to explore new things, cause I know I have someone I can lean on, ask, and learn from. Having that one person around to help lead you the right way is great.

Now, this doesn't mean it's all kinky sex and leadership from him. It's a relationship just like any other. We fight, as you guys may know. We cry, we stomp our feet. Well, I do, Master seems to be calm. Master has a lot of pressure when controlling a person. Is he doing it right? Will this slave be permanently hurt? How does this effect me and them?

Just like any relationship, we depend on communication and honesty. And that makes our relationship, Master and slave, real.

08) Multiple partners - sexual and romantically

I have always liked the idea of being shared sexually. Having men control me, love me, and take care of me. This includes sex and romantic feelings toward a person. I need to be romantically involved with someone to be able to share them. One thing I do know:

"You need confidence in yourself to share your partner. If you can't trust yourself, who can you trust?"

Sexually: Multiple partners sexually is easy. They can be at the same time, for me, or separate. For Master, he likes to be romantically involved when sex is involved. He also doesn't like to be around naked men, personal issue with that. I don't have much to say about this topic cause we don't use it if we aren't romantic to another person/couple.

Romantically: For myself, I can see myself with many romantic partners. They don't have to be involved with each other, and I don't have to be their only partner. My brain can't fathom having one person be the one who completes you. Everyone is so different, there will always be a few things that one person can't complete within you.

For Master, it has taken a while for him to even allow me to date women. Like I stated above, it's all about self confidence! He knows it, and he likes the idea of being poly, it's just an issue we have to jump over to get to that complete state, ya know? We are seeking to date a couple, but nothing has been totally worked out. We just know that a man and a woman may help us start our pack.

Master has a wolf animal thing inside him, apparently. XD

If you have questions about multiple partners, please ask! Comments will be screened if you wish!

09) Giving and taking control - completely and partly

Control. A scary word for some, a blessing to others. Above I state he takes all the control. How does he take control? I ask everything. If I do something that he doesn't agree with, I get disciplined. It's really easy. How much control? Everything. We are light when it comes to what you see, but you will notice that I ask for a lot of things if you are around me.

Master/slave and Dominant/submissive is all about control.

M/s - total control.
D/s partial control.

That is the main difference. Not sure how to get much clearer.

And, this is how I roll, bitches. XD

But seriously, this was in my head all freaking day and I had to write it.

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Talking and Stuffs

Master and I have chatted about my jealousy post. Him not being comfortable with me being with males is the same things, so of course I won't be getting that until I can be comfortable with him being with women. Which is what I want. In a general sense, I am fine with it. In my head, though, my paranoia can overtake me sometimes.

We are both working on fixing it, because we both believe that it's fine to have multiple romantic relationships. It's our personal... issues that are holding us back and that need to be faced. So, women for me it is! I can't complain, lol.

Master and I have been talking to a couple that live in our town. The one I stood up? Yeah, I'm trying again :) I want to meet the girl first, maybe that will help. We may see a movie next Friday, I got that day off, so...

THEN my trip! I am super excited. A friend helped me get a new outfit, my friend in Phoenix won't be coming, so it'll just be me, and I should have a decent amount of cash to get to and from the places I need to go.

Yay!

Thursday, August 30, 2012

jealousy - part 2

The only time I get really jealous is when I am 'off' emotionally, now. I suppose that's better then before and with my other relationships, where I got jealous anytime they commented on a women, right?

Master is commenting on some pictures from people on fetlife, who actually live here in Kearney, and I started crying and being jealous. Just now, if that matters, I haven't been 'horny' in a while and I don't know how to kick start it.

Maybe if I talk to my doctor about my lack of sexual interest next week when I see her. I am also going to ask Master if we can do a video of flogging tonight. I'll have the back room and camera ready and charged :) More incentive, I suppose?

Anyway, back to me getting teary-eyed. I know it's irrational, so I am telling myself, softly, that I know why it's happening, and there is no major reason for it.

And it's working. I'm still getting upset when I see the comments on fetlife. This is when I wish I was still a 'friend whore' on there, where it would go by my feed fast and I wouldn't see it again even if I scroll forever XD

Good morning?

Monday, August 27, 2012

Difference in socializing and stuffs

Master and I had little.. er disagreement with a bit of tears a few moments ago. I'll talk about it.

I had a meeting set up with a couple at an ice cream place. I was fine up until about 5 minutes before, and I said I couldn't go. I was too scared to go alone to meet these new strangers. I felt, and still feel a bit, bad about it. Really bad. I apologized, and the girl said it was fine, and I found out she is a lot like me. She doesn't go places without her fiance, much. So I feel a bit better about it. Still feel BAD but.. not as much.

Anyway, Master came home and said he was frustrated.

"Why should we be 'poly' if we can't meet peopel one on one? We can't meet people and get to know people in big groups?!"

"Yes, you can!" I said. "You can take them to the corner and get to know them. Tune out what is going on, and talk to a person."

"I can't do that."

"I can. We just have difference ways we socializing, and feel comfortable doing it. We should find a way to fix this."

"I don't know how to fix it" he says.

"One way is that I go to big events, you go to small events, and we both go to 'middle' events," i say.

"But then we Don't get to do anything together!"

"Okay," I said, thinking. "How about we just go together to all events? I feel comfortable enough when you are around and you said you are the same way."

We argued back and forth for a while, but stuck with my suggestion.

We (I) realize that he is the over thinker and I'm the no thinker. We should work okay, but it takes a while for us to compromise.

He says he still doesn't understand why I think socializing i big groups helps getting to know people, but I told him I have certain ways.

So now we are okay.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Sad times...

Well, my girl said that she was too busy for a relationship. I know it wasn't a blow off - she really is busy. Starting college, figuring out what she is going to do for work there, etc. I liked her, really, but I understand.

I'm still sad about it. :(

Other than that, nothing much. A weekend with Master has been super lazy. Cause we rock like that :)

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Lyrics and Emotion Post

I probably wrote it here. I am trying to walk at least 3 days a week in the morning, and hopefully turning it into more as I go. I took my morning walk, and did a lot of thinking. The main thing I thought about is about my trigger of Master smoking. Why?

That's my big thing. Why do I get freaked out over something simple as that? In a general sense, I don't care if he smokes or not. That's his choice, and as long as I don't smell it, cause it stinks, then it's cool. And he knows that, which is why he finds it so confusing why I freak out about it.

I think I figured out why. I associate smoking with the people who hurt me, which turned out to be people I loved and trusted. Duh, right? But, it's taken this long for my brain to connect the two. While I was tearing up over my epiphany, I heard a few songs, in order, that helped me realize it is actually time to move on.

I forgive you
For every time I cried
Over some stupid thing you did to hurt me
That's alright
(...)
We were just a couple of kids
Trying to figure out how to live doing it our way
No shame, no blame
'Cause the damage is done
And, and I forgive you
I Forgive You - Kelly Clarkson
- Song Video

AND THEN

Gotta keep on running
Stay on the attack
'Cause the day you quit's the day you wish you had it back

Only The Strong Survive - McFly - Song Video

Then, I went and swinged on the swings <3

This video is for the people who are having a sucky time at life right now :)

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Well, it's official

I have a girl, and it's nice. I mean, I'm the type to blab about it to everyone, so hope she doesn't mind XD I am not going to be advertising it on Facebook, but everywhere else, sure XD She is lovely, we have been talking for about 2 months.

We chatted about it yesterday, and we like each other, want to be more than friends, and we decided to be friends AND more, so we are officially dating and even though she is in Maine, and I in Nebraska, we figure we will visit each other once we can afford it.

She asked how we would do this, and I said: organically. I mean, you can't just make something comfortable right? So I said we would communicate, if something was wrong and if it was going write, and do something about it. And be honest. I also said that this shouldn't stop her from 'seeing' people in her area, as long as I have a a place in her... whatever she wants to think of it, lol.

And, I truly do like her. I hope it works well, and I won't be thinking negatively. Well, trying not to XD

I also asked Master if, in the future, he would allow me to date other men. My 'poly brain' doesn't quite get his reasons but I understand them, so I don't push it too much. He said that it's 'hovering above the table'. He says that he knows what a woman has that he doesn't, but doesn't know what a man would have that he doesn't have.

I understand it. My brain, though, says no one can have everything a person wants. He says he doesn't think that way.

So for now, it is females, and I think I'm gonna stick with the two relationships I have going now.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Events Scattered!

We forgot that Master's aunt, who took our wedding pictures, has her wedding this saturday. We RSVPed to a kink even three weeks ago that is on the same day. We have tried to work both in, but it's impossible. I don't want to go, and as bad as I feel to say it, I'd rather go to the kink event. I haven't gone in weeks, almost months.

The only option I see, though, is us going. Good thing is that there is another event on the 8th, which I'll be in Omaha anyway, cause I leave the next day to go to LA (19 days until I leave!). AND it's pirate themed :) I can wear my new high heel shoes! I need to find clothes to wear with it though :(

I am trying not to be too upset. Of course we will end up going to the wedding. 1) we are obligated with the fact that she took out pictures for FREE and we said we'd be there. and 2) it's cheaper than going to Omaha for the event on the same day, and we need to save money right now.

I just gotta suck it up, LOL

On another note, I have a sinus headache from hell.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Random Blog

Talked to Master about my concerns last night, and he says that he shouldn't have to tell me yes or no all the time. I told him it makes me feel more secure in my actions if he acknowledges things. He said he will try to do better at acknowledging the good things I do - he said it may help us in the long run.

I said that I would try to do better at being positive and being 'happy'. The medication is helping a bit. My period/PMS is not helping at all. I cried over stupid things last night, and we fought again. I honestly can't remember what it was about.

OH Smoking. I crumpled up the cigarettes that he had bought and threw them in the trash. He told me he quit - him buying some means he didn't quit. It was a lie and I was mad.

I shouldn't have done that, I should have spoken to him calmly, but I didn't.

Seeing or even thinking about him smoking is a really bad trigger, one of my biggest, and I get scared and 'freak out' and go back to when I was a child. The only thing I see when that happens, from the flash back, is smoke curly up form a cigarette me crying and scared, and a the hand holding it.

I get that flashback every time I even think about him smoking, seeing that he bought some just broke me down.

Anyway, back to the blog.

I am off work today. Um, that's it.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Re-Reading Rules

Re-reading my rules, I see I have only been doing half of the 'tasks' everyday since starting. Master hasn't said anything to me about it. I don't know what to think.

One part of me is like 'do it anyway maybe he'll notice it when you do it'. Another part of me says 'why should you do it if he doesn't notice you NOT doing it?"

The only way to figure this out is to talk to him. So, I will do that tonight. Meanwhile, I will try to get as much done today as I can before he gets home on 4 hours. Should be most of it XD



 Just a few pictures I've taken recently :)
The one of both of us was around the time he got back from training.

Master ordered this - I hope it fits :) It's pretty eh?

Okay, off to do the stuff I need to do :) <3

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

30,000

Wow, 30,000 views! Holy crap! I am not that interesting, I swear XD Not sure if it's regular people, or if it's all different people. *shrug* Does it matter?

I love writing stuff for people to read. Love it. I want to do it professionally, but I can't seem to find my groove with fiction, and with non-fiction I tend to be not sure what to write ABOUT. I know I want to write a memoir - God knows I have gone through tons of stuff.

Anyway, Master is back to working after getting his wisdom (2 bottoms) out Monday morning.

I have walked the past two mornings. Yay! Good for me right? That's it, nothing special :)

Sunday, August 12, 2012

I am Fat

I am fat.
By saying that I am not looking for people to come back and say no, I am not looking for compliments. I am just speaking technicalities.
I am fat. I am a bit overweight. It is not healthy for me.
I am not ugly. I am not weird looking. I am just fat.
I like saying that, because I am not saying it as me hating myself. I am saying it realizing that there is something I need to fix to make myself healthier so I can live longer.
:-)
Some of the new rules from Master goes with this. We both need to do more movement, if nothing else. At least 3 times a week I am supposed to take a long walk, where I try to work up to jogging three times a week.
Which is okay with me.
Anyway, being fat doesn't mean I am ugly. It just means I'm fat.
And I am trying to make myself healthier now.

Gangbangs and parties

Well, nothing about parties here :) Master as posted in his blog about a small gangbang he is up to having for me. I've been asking for a while, and I've been waiting for him to take action. I don't want to make him try something he wasn't ready for, ya know?

But I'm nervous and excited now :)

Why can't I just do it?!

It seems some people don't understand why I can't just do new things. Why can't I just do the new rules he has set for me? I need to be taught a new routine. I need to know that if I do it wrong, that negative things will happen.

I can't do it myself. My brain doesn't click that way. I need help with learning to do the right thing, the way Master wants me to do it.

I hope with these new set of rules, and Master paying attention to it, it may help. I need Master to pay attention and discipline me when I do something wrong, and tell me how awesome I am when doing the right things.

People think I put too much pressure on Master, that as a slave I shouldn't be tell him 'do it this way!', but I can't do what he wants unless he physically shows me. By telling me directly - this is wrong, or this is right.


Interesting..

Master coming home was.. weird. Like, I was happy, honestly, but it wasn't the 'OMG YAY!' I thought I'd feel. I think I was just beginning to get used to being alone that having him come home messed up the routine I had, and I don't like messing up my routine.

Yesterday we had sex, but I couldn't get off. I wasn't feeling it, and I cried at the end and after. I don't know why, and I feel so bad for Master. Maybe I was just overwhelmed. It took pretty much all day yesterday to adjust.

I am feeling better today. We had wonderful sex late last night. He didn't get off, but I did multiple times, and that seems to make him feel as good as it did me. He said that if we did that every day or so, it would be amazing exercise. LOL

Also, a funny communication fail:

I got undressed, like my new rules says, and I say "Master, look, I followed a rule!" He looks at me and says "I told you were were starting that on Monday". I was so confused, and he said he told me last night. I don't remember, but it made me laugh.

So I'm free until Monday? XD




Friday, August 10, 2012

A short post...

Master made a big Code Of Conduct and Duties list. I put it in my "Rules & Contract" page. It is also on his blog, if you wan to comment to him about it.

Updated it :) Used the wrong name lol

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Thank you...

Morgaine said:
Honey, you need to focus on keeping your house in order, little or not....it is your job as a slave!
 This made me think about my last (written) post. My job as slave is to serve him. He has told me before to clean up the house while he is away. I even told him I'd do it as a surprise before he told me to do it! I've been thinking more about how much I miss him, how sad I am, that I forgot my job.

My place in this relationship is wife/slave first. [er, those things are interchangeable in our relationship]

Yes, I have kind of drawn away from the outside world, but I still am living in my own world, right? My safe place is still my house, and the fact that I have a husband/Master who shares it with me.

Today is a better 'mental' day than the last few days have been. I picked up the bedroom, and I am going to set an alarm to get off the computer/stop playing at 11AM and clean up the living room. It shouldn't take more than half an hour, so that's awesome.

If I set alarms and timers, I tend to be better. I think I am going to set another alarm for 2PM to do the dishes.

And maybe afterwards I will play with my new MLP toys :)

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Dependence. Littles. Master

I haven't been here on fetlife physically. I also haven't been into 'fetlife' type of stuff mentally. Since Master has been gone, it's felt... off. Like, pieces of me weren't there. Um, it's hard to explain. I am still his slave, still think the same way, but I know I have drawn more inside myself since he has been gone.

(Man, it's only two weeks, hopefully it doesn't turn into longer sometime!)

I tell people 'my little has taken over', and that is only part of it. I cling. I'm a clinger. I depend. I'm a depender (okay not a word, but you get it). I depend on his mere presence to put me at ease.
Weird. I never though it would be like that.

Yes, my little has been out the whole time. I haven't been that sexual, really. I've been having a hard time focusing and making it through work. All I've wanted to do was go home and play with my toys (computer and music are my toys).

I haven't been able to do anything but play with my toys. I've cleaned up when it's needed, but it's only until I can't do what I need to do (make dinner cause the dishes are ALL dirty), that I notice it.
I feel guilty about dependance. As an adult, having someone be there just to make me feel the need to do simple chores, simple things that all adults do.

Is this what makes me a little? I think it could be part of it. And, I do love my toys.

I haven't forgotten about my friends here, but I have forgotten 'the outside world". If that even makes sense.
I'll be back soon, I promise :)

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Some Wedding Photos










Ummm, yeah

The only thing in my live right now?

McFly. I'm sorry I haven't posted XD I got my tickets, and my little cherie is screaming with joy.

Master will be back in 8 days. That's awesome. I talk to him almost every night (there was one night I couldn't). He just laughed at how excited I am about the concert.

I've been thinking. I know now why I married him. I feel complete with him. I mean, I never really believe that. I always just brushed that type of thing off, but since he has been gone, I've felt 'different'. Like I was before I met him.

He makes me better, he makes me do more, and just having him support my teenager-ish obsession with McFly makes him an even better husband, let alone Master.

Not in a 'I'm not poly" type of complete, but a "I'm happy with him!" kind of complete. I feel there is a difference XD

I haven't read your blogs, but I am going to do that now before I go to work this afternoon.

Whew, lots of working lately. My hours are gonna be cut from 35 (give or take) a week, to about 15 (give or take) a week. Target does 'average hours' so, I need my average to stay before 25 to stay part time. Of course. XD

Later, lovers :)

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Busy Bee - And Lonely

I've done my best to stay busy, and I have, until today. Master has been gone about 4 days - 10 days left :) Yesterday was the first day I felt depression. I think I depend on Master's.... 'energy' to keep me balanced. And he does.

Anyway, I have plans! I plan to clean up the bedroom and try my best to unpack, and at least organize the back small room.

I've been going 'into' myself lately. I tend to do that if I don't have human contact, in a close friend type of way, for a day or two. I don't know why I snap back like a rubberband, but I do.

Anyway, been .... actually my tween little has come out and is fangirling over boys and writing stories and fantasizing of certain people. *blushes* I feel like I am too old to do that, but I'm not. *sigh*

The movie Brave is amazing. It made me cry, and wish I had a 'mother bear' growing up. I never had that....

Anyway. I kind of spoiled it there if you haven't seen it XD But the plot was totally different than what I thought. Love it.

Okay gotta go do other things online :) <3 TTYL

Thursday, July 26, 2012

small

I will post about things here later - it's been super busy with work and other issues. <3 Promise to tell all about it as soon as I can! Probably Sunday or Monday morning,

Friday, July 20, 2012

Bad week. Lovely consideration sub, though.

It's been a bad week - BUT of course it could be turned into positivity.. But it still stinks

1) Car won't start. At all. So, we had to get it towed, and it'll cost around $700 total to get it done. Lovely. No idea where the freak we are going to get that - we will see if we can get a payment scheduled for that.

2) I didn't get any tickets. I didn't get any fucking tickets. They were wold out 2 minutes after they started. Apparently people bought multiples and scalpers bought more. At least there are two new dates, but NONE that I can go see. I am still going to LA, and will try to make the most of it. Hopefully there will be some 'last minute deals' around that time.

3) We got a letter in the mail saying our last check bounced. Turns out, Master got his paycheck just after the check bounced. We are hoping that the people just re-run it. We still gotta figure out how to pay for the rent for August.

Master is leaving soon for his training. I hope the car works well when he is gone, and we have the rent taken care of. I think he will just leave me a money order or money to get the money order to pay it.

Oh a good news front, I met a wonderful girl who I am considering as a submissive. We both want to get to know each other - she is 18, lives in main, and I am not sure if it will be just a D/s relationship, or if there will be an.. emotional relationship. We will see as we talk :)

We do have one rule in place: message every day before work. If she cannot, next message must have an explanation.

Not sure about 'punishments', but everyone hates lectures so.. that is a good start.

Later, loves.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Pictures.

I told him not to pose, but he did anyway.
I got a weird angle but he looks great :)
Ah soft grass!
Part of our picnic


And there we are :)