Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Relationships

Master has given be permission to pursue a relationship with a female. I want to check out my 'top' side, like I've posted before, but really it would be nice to have a girlfriend, who can be my best friend and have some sort of a sexual relationship with, like I have with Master.

I've honestly forgotten the whole 'dating' type of thing. I spent a lot of time flirting and such online, so getting used to having Master and still searching is gonna take some time.

I'm not against it, obviously, it's just a change to get used to. I was a little bit worried that Master would want to be in on the relationship I want to find, and to share, but I honestly can't. At least, not yet. Maybe he can be dominant in a non-sexual way, but that isn't really his thing. He's a sexual person when it comes to that.

Anyway, that is my ramblings for the day :)

I really am wanting the collar that we are planning to get. I can't wait, it's noticeable, but not too noticeable.

ALSO Master got a blog. You can see it on my profile: Alpha Chronicles. He may need a bit of a 'suggestion' to get writing, but I know it will help at times when he is frustrated, or to help get his thoughts in order.

Master used to say that he wouldn't be able to write just his thoughts and such, but I disagree, and once he gets past that pride and stubbornness - he'll be great :)

Monday, January 30, 2012

Topping

Technically, I'm a switch, who prefers to be submissive, who is a slave only to her Master. Easy, right? LOL. I've been curious about topping a woman, lately.

I don't consider myself bisexual, because I am not aroused by female genitalia. I am, however, heteroflexible, meaning I do get aroused by other parts of their body. Weird, huh?

I don't think I could top woman sexually (at least, only about 1% of the time could I), but I could do it all other ways... hm..

Allowance

Technically, a slave is someone who gets the choices (and other things) that their master allows them to have.

That word, ALLOWS, is the main thing. According to some people (ahem), because a master allows them to have a few choices and opinions, they aren't a slave anymore.

I like words, and I like that you can change everything with a simple one, like ALLOW

Spelling It Out

It's still bugging me, so I figured I'd spell it out a little here about why I decided to stop trying to fit in with this group.
GUY
ya know for a person that "hates" the word "vanilla" so much you used it several times in that rabble. Kink has NOTHING to do with the lifestyle and its structure, anyone that believes that is not only a fool but shouldnt be in it. Its a structure of LIFE and how a person LIVES said life. I know plenty of "vanilla" people that are kinky as all hell. so maybe before you start spouting off and letting your fingers do the talking, maybe look a little deeper into what your talking about. Yes, I realize this post was about me and my postings on my cunt ex g/f the "vanilla bitch". Get over it. If anything I said here upset anyone. Ya know where to find me. Someone needs to control your actions and mouth. In no way shape or form do you act like a "slave" much less a submissive. Now everyone can be pissed at me for SAYING WHAT YOU ALL ARE THINKING! Its cool I rather enjoy it :D Peace Ya'll

ME
If you read the beginning, you would see that I said I did that title for attention, then say I use the word myself. I meant the people who use it ...in the way I described. It wasn't only about you - I've seen in the whole while I've been on here, way before I met you. I have even heard it at parties and such.

Fuck you, I do what I want, and what Master wants.

GUY
FUCK ME?????? you're damn lucky you dont belong to me, you'd wear a gag 24/7. You have to be the most disrespectful lil shit i think ive ever encountered in this lifestyle.

ME
I'm the most respecful little shit you'll meet.

This is the conversation that I have been talking about. And I can post this, because I am not identifying the person at all :)

Anyway, he's kind of right about the slave part, but I am allowed to speak my mind. Master did his thing behind the scenes, and basically said:

MASTER: I respect your opinions, but the wording you are using is disrespectful to my slave. I allow her to have these opinions.


GUY: Let's get this straight - a slave has no rights, no opinions, no choices - CAUSE THEY ARE NOT ALLOWED THEM. She is a submissive, and she disrespects you daily.


MASTER: I see that is your opinion - I'm glad you have your opinions. My opinions? I allow my slave to have her own opinions. Now, kindly fuck off.

This is my I love Master.

I feel a little sad that we have decided not to go to the events the group this guy is in does. It's not this guy I've had issues with, either. I've had tuffs with other people, as well, but not to this extent.

Master said not to worry about him, or the group. There are other groups - although a few hours away - that I will definitely do better with.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Fitting In

Recent comments on the people from around here on fetlife just shows how much I don't fit in here. It's not like I'm going to give up and leave, but it sucks, and it hurts. I try so hard to be nice, to make friends, but it seems I have to give up being myself for that.

Which I won't do. Eh. At least I have Master, a good job, and a decent amount of nice(ish) acquaintances.

I thought it was relatively funny when told I needed someone to control my mouth and actions. That was a funny little highlight of that depressing thing.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Cuffs

Master and I went out to dinner a few nights ago. I waved my cuffs around, and I figured he's say something if he didn't want me to wear them out. Well, he didn't, so I kept them on.

When we got there, I said "You know I have my cuffs on, right?" He looked surprised. No, he didn't know! I asked if he wanted me to take them off, because I was afraid I'd embarrass him. He smiled and said no.

So, Master and I ate at the Mexican restaurant, me with my cuffs on. It was fun. I want to wear them out more often!

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Master's attitude

After our talk the other night, Master has been a lot more 'authoritative'. When he poses something as a question, he immediately changes it to an order. It's made me a lot more happier, and I think he's enjoying it, as well, which is the main goal.

I lost my engagement ring, and the people that knew (on fetlife) were laughing about it, and saying that I'm gonna get is so much trouble with him.

I didn't. Master said it was an accident, and it was cheap compared to other rings, so it's fine.

I don't get to use the computer tonight or tomorrow night because of arguing about my cuffs and such a few days ago. Sad, but I'll do it.

I am gonna go through withdrawals!

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Dominants.

Do I really understand the stress that Master, as a master, not just as the authority figure, has for taking care of his slave?

While we were talking about my wants and needs last night, he said how stressful it is to be the one in charge. I didn't understand, but now I do.

I may want him to make all the decisions, but I don't want him to stress out. Maybe by giving me specific things to make decisions on, we can both be satisfied. I will have to talk to him about this.

Being A Slave

I'm having issues. I feel like I am a slave, but Master isn't really a....master, per say. I don't want any choices, but lately I've been having to deal with ALL the money issues, ALL the cleaning issues, ALL the food-buying issues, ALL the car issues...

I talked to Master last night. It put us in a bad mood, but we did get it sort of worked out. I told him what I wanted, how I felt, and how I didn't want to make him be something he's not. I choose him over any silly kink preference.

I want to do what he says, but he doesn't tell me to do anything. I feel... lost and confused most of the time. On the off chance that he does, he doesn't follow up on punishments or even positive reinforcements when I don't do them or do end up doing them.

I think we talked it out, though, so that's good. We shall see what Master and I end up as. In the end, though, our relationship will always be there, even if we don't get to play with our kinky sides.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Sub/Slave

This is totally going to be a 'definition' post, so I just wanted to say first that this is my opinion, and I probably won't change it unless something goes 'BING!' in my head.

I posted a status on fetlife, saying something along the lines of me being rude and sarcastic when I'm tired, so I should keep my mouth shut. A dude commented on it, saying 'Well, as a slave, you should be asking permission to speak'.

That ruffled my feathers, but it made me think. I don't really 'need' to ask permission from Master to do anything. Usually, if something isn't the way he wants it, he will tell me to do it another way.

Also, I pretty much do whatever the hell I want.

This guy asked "Then why do you consider yourself a slave?'

Because Master can take what he wants, when he wants, and how he wants. He just doesn't do it. He's a laid back guy, and sure, it gets me all frustrated, but that's the point.

That's why I like this dynamic.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Pictures


Coloring with ponies is pretty awesome :)


Master keeping me company while I do the dishes and watch ...ponies ^_^


Just me!


I made us some chocolate cupcakes.

Past, Present, Future

Master and I were conversing on the way back from doing things today, and the thoughts on our past, present, and future 'adventures' came up.

I use the word 'adventures' basically as a way of saying 'life'. Life happens. I wanted to write down what I told Master, cause I think it's pretty damn smart, if I do say so myself.

**Past**: Before now. Things that happened before this very moment, before the moment you are spending reading these words.

**Present**: Right now. Things that are happening as you read each and every word, and each minute that goes by can be a 'present'.

**Future**: Anything that happens after this moment, the moment you are 'presently' in.

Can you change the past? Well, if you're a *timelord*, maybe, but apparently they aren't suppose to mess with their own timelines. That would cause time and space to collapse. Haven't you seen *The Wedding Of River Song*? I suggest you do, if you like Doctor Who. ;-)

Anyway, *NO YOU CANNOT CHANGE THE PAST*. It sucked. Maybe you made bad choices - yes, you're a moron, we got that. Maybe you hurt someone you loved, or got hurt by someone you love - yes, that is fucked up shit, and it *hurts like fucking hell*.

Do you want to be a moron in the present or the future? Do you want to hurt in the present or future?

If the answer is yes, then fine, do what you want. Don't change a thing. Blame everyone around you, and things will stay the same.

Yes, someone could have been the one to hurt you. Can you change them? *No*.  Someone could have convinced you to spend that money on something that bled you dry, and now you're going hungry cause all your money is gone. Can you get that money back by wishing? *No*.

**Step 1: Cry. Throw things. Say 'Fuck You!' as loud as you can were everyone can hear you.**
* Allow yourself to 'grieve' for anything that is bad that has happened. This can be for as long as you feel *necessary'.
* Once it's past that, it's time for step 2.

**Step 2: Think about what the fuck went wrong with yourself.**
* Don't go saying you're a loser - cause you aren't. You just made a mistake. What you really need to think about is what was the thing that happened that *helped* those bad things happen.
* Did you not research the investment of your money? Did you not listen to the ex-girlfriend who told you that he beat her (non-consensually for the kink crowd)? *Now, how can you change that?*

**Step 3: Stop playing the victim, and start being happy.**
* Let's say that you lost your money cause a slimy bastard convinced you to invest in something without researching. He was smooth, but in the end, it was ultimately you're decision. You are a moron - we get it, it happens, but you don't have to always been the trusting naive person. Next time, what do you do with this situation? *Research the bastard, investments, and anything else you can get your hands on*.
* Did a lying, cheating, abusive bastard hurt you? Yes, he did it. You didn't lead him on, you didn't say he could, he did it himself. How can you change you're ways of picking these jerks? Listen to the ex-girlfriend. Talk to him. *Research the signs of abuse*.
* What makes you happiest? What makes you think "*Wow, today is really a good day. I have this and this and this, and ...well, I fucking rock.*" It's okay if you can't do that all the time. It takes time. It's a good thing of you think that about 80% of the time.

**Additional Information:** It's okay to get help. If you feel you can't do it alone, there *has* to be people that can help. Don't lose hope.

-Brought to you by a manic episode of Lights, and Master being hard on himself for past decisions-

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Apologies and Thoughts

Master told me to do dishes. I didn't feel like doing them, so I basically kept talking until he was tired of asking. I thought I'd feel ...I don't know, done with it, but I wasn't. He went off to run an errand while I took a shower. I thought about it.

I was being rude. I did it because I didn't like him telling me what to do, and I was being lazy and bitchy. I want this dynamic - I can't just pick and choose when it happens.

I apologized, and did the dishes. It was a nice feeling to be done with it.

Also, in the shower, I realized a few things. I have a few different personalities.


1) A little girl, maybe around 7, who loves My Little Pony, the toys included, coloring, stuffed animals, and all that good stuff.

2) A 12 year old tomboy who is obsessed with Pokemon, getting dirty, and picking on people.

3) A 22 year old woman who is a slave.

4) A 22 year old woman who is dominant, and does things her way, or no way.
Tonight I feel like number 1.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Wow!

Over 600 reads, and that last 50 or so was really not me! :D

Pressure To Be A Bratty S-type

I had this thought because of how quite I was at the get together yesterday. It wasn't because of what anyone said - it's a great group of people. It's kind of me just analyzing certain things.

Also, the reason I couldn't sleep last night. So many thoughts!

There are the people, most of them new, that think an s-type should be quit, do as their told, and deal with it. **Of course, that is so not true.**

Most of the s-types I associate myself could be considered 'brats'. I don't consider myself that. Usually, I just sit quietly, talk when talked to, and kind of just do as I am told.

Don't get me wrong, if I don't like something I tell Master, and about half the time it gets me in trouble. I just am not a bratty person in general.

When I am around those people, I kind of feel *pressured* to be 'bratty', although that really is not who I am.

I think it's just like someone being pressured to be a doormat submissive.

Make sense?

I like listening. I like doing as I am told. I really am not a mouthy slave at all, and pretty much always do what I am told. I am not a challenge. Well, most of the time :)

Why do I feel a little ashamed of that?

Friday, January 13, 2012

Writing A Book

I have been thinking of writing a book for a long while. I was thinking more of a 'memoir' type of thing. I just am not sure I can go into details about certain things (my rape, etc) because of the people involved.
  • Would it still be a memoir if I changed names and some scenes?
  • Could I change it enough to protect the identities, and still get my personal story out?
  • Am I too freaking young to even do such a thing?
  • Can I do a memoir when I can't remember things specifically from before I was 12?
I really want to do this...

Cooking; Daddy/littlegirl; Bowling

I am excited to make dinner for Master tonight. There are different things I can do:
  • Pasta
  • Tacos
  • Pizza
  • Tuna Mac & Cheese
The tuna has been in there for a while, so we should probably get rid of that. On the other hand, when things get low, that would be a good thing to keep as a backup in case we don't have money to get more food when we need it, which has been the case lately. Confused. Pick one for me?

The cashier, when we were getting food, accidentally put some Hello Kitty hair clips in our bags without ringing them up, so I got them for free. Master was joking how he wasn't sure we could do anything sexual with those in.

Then the discussion of him being a Daddydom came up - I think it freaked him out a little. He has the qualities as a 'daddy' and I have the qualities of a 'little (5-12)', we just don't use the termonology. I think it would make him uncomfortable.

I think he is realizing that he does have those qualities, though.

Master and I went bowling last night as our weekly date night. My high score is around 60. First round I got 37, the next one I got 84. Yay! Master beat me both times, 106 and 85. So close the second time round!

He still owes me a back rub ;)

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Pictures




Engagement ring :) Now, a collar to finish it up! Master measured my neck 13.5 inches

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Growing with help from your owner

How has your owner encouraged you to grow as a person?
I know the things I could do, if I wasn't so scared to do them. He pushes me to face my fears, because he, too, knows the great things I can do. Master encourages me to talk to him, when things are bad, and even when things are good.

The past few days he has tried his best to keep me busy with lists, talking, and planning things to do in the next coming days and weeks. And with the wedding.

As a submissive?
I found out through him that I really do like being domestic. Master encourages me to cook, to bake, to do stuff like that. He tends to like it, too, and hopefully we can do a more 'stay at home' slave approach later in our lives :)

Depression pt 2

Master has banned me from the bedroom today - I can only go in there long enough to get something, or get dressed, or something like that. It's in hopes to help my depression, and keep me motivated to do stuff.

Master has been very understanding of my depression. I've lost a lot of my 'motivation' to do the tasks he gives me. I don't think a 'punishment' is exactly the right thing to do - I know I did wrong, and I really do hate it. I just... can't do it.

So, maybe this will help me.

Also, I'll post another Q and A type of thing later today :)

OH! My computer finally died, it won't turn on, so I'm using Master's computer. May not be on as much because obviously he uses it when he is home.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Depression

I've been in a depressive state that last few weeks. It's been up and down, but it's always been there at least a little bit. I really think I need to get checked out by a doctor, but with no insurance, it's hard to find a place that will do it with a sliding scale.

I feel that I've been putting Master in a hard place. He wants to take care of me, but he can only do so much - most of this depression is not rational. I can't control it. Yesterday, I was fine, and then when the evening came, I was so depressed I just wanted to lay in bed and stare at the ceiling. I even almost went to bed around 7:30, but Master distracted me.

We talked about jobs I could apply for, talked about our grocery list, looked at our new recipe book we got a week or so ago.

It's still there. And I still feel like a burden to Master.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Pictures; New Rope


I really do like having the cuffs on at home. I almost wish I wear them outside of home, as well. I'm sure Master would say 'no' if I ask. He wouldn't like the attention I'd get, or he thinks I'll get.


Not so bad with the new rope. We need more practice. Tonight Master was saying he wants to practice the body harness.


Being a dork - Master braided the rope.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Distance

Master is away until Sunday evening. So, it's two days of no Master and little communication. He's not one to keep his phone in hand to text all the time, and I feel weird calling him if he doesn't answer his text. It's like he's busy when he doesn't answer.

I'm attached - I still need to learn that I don't need him around all the time. He can go do things on his own, and not have be tag along. This time, he has to be down there, without me.

I still don't like it.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Why and How

I had a friend on livejournal post a question, and I decided to answer it here.

Feel free to yell at me if I'm being creepy, but what made you decide to pursue a dom/sub relationship? Is this something you've always wanted or have tried before - or did you just have an epiphany one day?

What made me decide to pursue a Dominant/submissive relationship? I have to admit, I don't remember. I just remember thinking, this is what I want! I had just broken up with my last long term relationship, and realized that something was missing between us, and I couldn't figure it out.

He was a nice guy, really, but that 'connection' wasn't there. We dated for 11 months, and nothing developed the way I wanted it to in the end. I can't remember how I ended up on fetlife, but I met a local dominant guy, had an early lunch with him, and chatted about what fetlife was, and the community in SLC and north of SLC.

I went to my first  private party back in May 2011. It was...amazing. I felt so alive, so me. There was just that instant feeling of belonging, and 'right-ness' if that's word. (My computer says it's not!)

Just learning, observing, and participating in the kink community has opened my eyes. This is who I am, and I've accepted it. I'm a beautiful person, and being submissive is not a bad thing. I used to see myself as being a submissive type of person as being weak.

It's not.

And I decided after a few months of all that participation that this is what I want in a relationship. I won't deny myself what makes me happy, fulfilled.

And that's when I decided to have a dominant guy as head of household, Master of me, etc.

I feel safe, secure, and loved. Even when he inflicts pain, it's out of love. I feel good about myself, knowing myself better, and realizing that nothing about me is 'wrong'. I have faults, and that's okay.

I have things that I need to deal with, but I don't need to be fixed.

Eventual Tattoo


This is one of the tattoos I want. I just drew it on my arm. It's an 's', which represents my submissive nature. I am also going to get a small pair of shackles on the back on my right shoulder representing being a slave to master. Eventually....

We need money for that.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Rope; Pictures


I really like the cuffs, even if they are cheap, and keep coming off in the middle of the night.
I tend to take them off, apparently, and tell Master how much I love him. Romantic? LOL


Master tried his hand at a simple rope work tonight.
It was really good for $1 rope, don't you say?

Changes in kinks

How have your views changed since you first started exploring? 

I never thought I could be a 'slave' when I first started exploring BDSM. It took a long while (up until just a week or so ago!) that my views evolved enough to let me except myself as the slave I am.

I also never thought I'd like pain. Now that I've tried more things, I can see now that I do like pain. I just have to keep building my pain threshold to be able to take more.

My views on how open I am with things are different as well. When I first started, I was so shy, held back, etc. Now, anytime kink is mentioned, I can be social. I have no problem socializing in a kink setting, or having a kink conversation with anyone. It's the average conversation I suck at.

I love how I've grown as a person, and as a slave. Separately and together. I am so much happier with myself. I feel like I have found who I am, what is inside me.

I love being Master's slave.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Rules/Contract

Last Edited: 08/10/12

Code of Conduct
1. I will obey Master and complete given tasks in a timely manner.
2. If a task/chore is not completed, I will inform Master and accept the given discipline/punishment.
3. I will not think negatively of myself, or in a way that reflects negatively on myself as Masters slave.
4. I will use tact when speaking to those with whom I disagree with. This shows discipline as Masters slave.
5. Masters decision is final. To challenge it is disrespectful.
6. When asked for my opinion, I will state it with reasons.
7. I will stay motivated, as it will help Master stay motivated.
8. If I am having a problem I will inform Master immediately.

Duties/Chores
1. Make coffee
2. Make bed
3. Write three positive things about myself
4. Exercise*
5. Vacuum*
6. Post on blog*
7. Talk to Fetlife friends*
8. Be kneeling at foot of couch when Master gets home.*
9. Remain naked inside apartment
10. Shave and shower daily
11. Pick up dirty clothes
* Dependent on work schedule, still must be done, just at different time

10 Things I Want To Try

When starting any type of relationship, I think it's a great idea to make a list like this, of things you like, just to see how compatible you are.

Edited: 07/04/12

Bold: In progress.
Crossed Out: Done

1) MFM threesome
2) Have a submissive
3) [more] Flogging
4) Gangbang with me as focus
5) Do a kink photoshoot with a professional photographer, with or without Master
6) Sit at my Master's feet more often then not, even in a vanilla sitting
7) Go to a dungeon play party
8) Have a sexual/mental long term relationship with a woman9) Try a poly relationship, with us as the primary partners
10) Wear a rope harness under my clothes for a full day.

My Kinks

updated 07/04/12

KINKS INTO
  • Barehanded spankings
  • Flogging
  • Sadism
  • Restraints
  • Being shared with men
  • Voyeurism
  • Sexual verbal humiliation during sex
  • Forced exhibitionism
  • Being dominated in the bedroom and out.
  • Being forced to do something I really want to do 
  • Masochism 
  • Learning new things (yes, it's a kink!)
I can watch a lot more than what I can take.

Introductions

I am redoing this as of 07/04/12. I feel I focus too much on the negative things, so this will be filled with positives!

My name is cherie, a name that Master gave me once we decided to be M/s. Yes, we. I'm one who asked: "May I be your slave?", and we went from there! I am 23 years old, at the time of this writing, and have lived in Missouri (grew up), Utah, and now Nebraska.

Master likes to call me a progressive when it comes to politics. I'm a live, let live kind of person. I am an old soul in a young body. I have major anxiety, mostly in social and/or stressful situations. I have just recently started getting it treated professionally, and I am accounting this change in mindset about things to that!

Kink is my thing. Fetlife is where I spend most of my down time. I know kink, know at least enough to make me want to learn more. And more and more! Anything else, I may a bit reserved, but when it comes to kink? My social anxiety is gone!

I work at a retail/grocery store part time. Master works full time, and I am proud to do as much as I can in return for him having control of our finances. I have recently discovered, at the time of this writing, that He is Master, and nothing will change that. Me being his slave, however, can change if I displease him.

I love him, and want to be the best for him, and for myself. So, I do my best.

I have changed a lot since we begun this relationship.

I have always been polyamorous, but Master has begun to accept his poly side. We are looking for a clan, a pack, a family of our own. You can read about it here: http://anewslave.blogspot.com/2012/07/packclan-theory.html

And... the story still goes, and this may change in the future. Thank you for reading my blog :)

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Children

Would you accept your Owner’s decision to breed you, even if children where not in your plans? Would you have as many children as he wished, knowing that your tasks to raise them would be part of your submission to him?

Master and I discussed the idea of children and a family before we were even in a relationship formally. I told him my issues with it, and then told him that I will have children when he decides it's the right time for us.

I also told him that we will probably need medical help with me getting pregnant, so we will not be able to have more than a few, if that, naturally. I would love to adopt, and he is agreeable to that if I can't have any (more) children.

I'm fine with giving that planning and timing over to Master - he knows my issues with it. I know he'll take my feelings and health into consideration.