Monday, April 30, 2012

Jealousy. Or more?

I hate feeling that way. HATE HATE HATE it.

Master was talking to someone, and suddenly I couldn't breath. I had to see what he was saying, I had to stop him from giving that person attention. I wanted the attention. Why hadn't he said anything to me? Why hadn't he smiled at me since we got home? Why hasn't he talked or laughed or discussed something with me? Why hadn't he told me he loved me? Why did I have to say it? Why can't he do things with me, instead of sit beside me while I do something?

He put his phone down. I was shaking. I grabbed his phone, looked at what was there (his conversation with the person), and threw it down like it was hot.

I hate feeling this way.

I have no idea why I do this.

Maybe counseling will help. Because I hate this.

He was patient with me. He asked if I was okay, I said no. I told him I didn't like the way I was feeling. He asked what I was feeling. I said I didn't know.

My chest was tight, and tears were in my eyes. I hate crying, too. Especially in front of people.

After a few moments, I was still shaking. He scooted back on the bean bag and told me to get on it with him.

I was grateful.

It's been about 10 minutes since then, and my chest is still kind of tight, and I feel horribly guilty and upset at myself still.

I have no reason to feel this way. To be this jealous. I don't know why.

Honestly.

Master took a shower, and said I was to write about how I felt. Well, there ya go.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Pictures & Thoughts

Master is coming home tonight. Really excited! I cleaned up the room, took out the trash, and will be doing a little load of laundry around lunchtime. It is only 9:44, so I am giving myself time to be lazy.

I have been kneeling at night by the bed for a few moments, about as long as it took him to take the collar off. It helped me calm down.

I've been anxious lately, taking two pills each dose instead of one. I think once I start counseling it may help.

I haven' taken pictures in a while, so here ya go! I had to sift through tons of them just to get few, so be nice :P

This is my clearanced My Little Pony: FiM fleece blanket I got at Target. It was the last on, and I had to get it. I took it with me to Missouri, and kept it on my lap. So soft and cuddly!

I was so tempted to get a few more pony things this weekend, but money is tight for me. Not for Master, because he got his bonus day early, but still. He may get me a new phone on Monday :) I am paying to be able to do certain things with my phone, but my phone won't let me. So, new phone, same price. Sweeeeeet.

I have been craving binding all day, so I did a quick one on my own. It's the ribbon from when I got my red pillows, the one Master found amusing to put on my collar. The scratches on my chest? No idea how they got there.

I hope Master still is going to get that pretty flogger we found with his extra money. That thing looked amazingly beautiful, and it was cheap!

We need to get better rope, as well...

I want to get a school girl skirt. I can't find them in my sizes at the typical stores you can look for them at. Lame - I sometimes hate my hips. The skirt in these last few pictures were too long. I want a skirt to wear around the house, to tease Master.

I isn't really into the school girl look - I think he's indifferent, but he says he's not 'indifferent' he just could go either way on them.

I think that's the same thing, but whatever, lol.

And, this picture was too good not to sure. I usually don't show my lady bits (I don't know a word to use for it!), but it was prettttyyyy.

Have a good day, guys!

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Collar Holding

I feel my hand go to my steel collar and just kind of hold onto it when I am feeling alone or anxious or something. It calms me. I mean, what the medicine can't do, lol.

Master is away at drill until tomorrow night, having been gone since Thursday night. Weird. And it's gonna go on for another 6 years. Not sure how I will make it through the two weeks of annual training in a new apartment. That's when we have to move.

I'm grateful he isn't deploying, though.

Sickness/Smiles

I smiled for the first time in a long time today for no reason. I smiled because I was happy. It wasn't forced.

I teared up.

I also made me realized how sick, mentally, I am. I am really, truly relieved that there is a road I can take to feeling normal.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Gone For The Weekend

Master is going to be going to drill this weekend, Friday-Sunday. Usually it's only Saturday and Sunday. I work tomorrow and saturday, so hopefully it's decent weather for me to walk.

Ugh.

We have been doing this ritual of taking my collar off before bed (and me getting into the ritual of asking to go to bed then), and putting it on in the morning.

We will have to talk about it tonight. Maybe I can take it on and off, while saying some mantra, etc. That sounds good :) I will suggest that to him.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Anxiety, Depression, oh look!

I am officially on medication for anxiety and depression. I think because of my income and such, I don't have to pay for it. That is a huge relief. I can also get free counseling if I am comfortable with a male intern. I think I will take it. The psychiatrist said that my loss of memory of my childhood could be trauma, and we agreed it's best if I deal with them, even if it's hard.

I am to take Gabapentin three times a day, and Seroquel XR at night a few hours before I go to bed.

Master isn't a big fan of going to counseling and such for himself, but I'm glad he supports me. I'm going to ask if he could help me keep track of me taking my medicine, and if he can keep me updated on any good or bad changes he sees.

Monday, April 23, 2012

I don't wanna!

I want to make a quick post about what just happened after I posted the last one I did, about the being home from Missouri. I was about to start reading through your posts, when Master told me to come to him. I whined and said I wasn't in the mood. He used my slave name in that tone, and I did as I was told. I wasn't happy, but I did it anyway.

After I was made to suck his cock, a quick fuck ensued. I feel a little better that I got to orgasm. Just saying.

I like it when he makes me do something I don't feel like doing, especially sexually...

Back from Missouri

Whew, that last hour of driving took forever. It was a good visit, but it makes me appreciate Kearney a bit more now that I'm back. I can only take so much of my family - they are intense, and the opposite of Master's family, who are really laid back and... quiet, lol. Usually.

My family did notice the collar, but it wasn't horrible. My dad and step-mom took us to a bar in their small town, and had a few beers. Dad noticed it, and said 'so, where are ya gonna put the dog tags?'. I answered 'not sure, we'll figure it out'. Other than that, nothing from that side.

My mom knows our relationship, so I proudly showed it to her with no cover up. I told her it was a steel collar we got from Ring Of Steel, and it was handmade. My grandma (her mom) looked at it, but didn't say anything. I asked her to make a  charm so I can put on it for the wedding. I drew her a horrible picture, and I'm looking forward to see what she does.

We kept up with out night and morning ritual with the collar :) I am proud - not sure how Master feels, lol. I asked him if I was having issues with not being snarky toward him, and he said I am not that way towards him, just everyone else.

Guess that's good, right?

I haven't been on fetlife, yet, so.. Whew...

Oh, today is my 23rd birthday :) I got a few things from my family, and the trip was technically the gift from Master. It was nice. Oh, the collar, too, lol.

Friday, April 20, 2012

Driving

We will be driving around 9 hours, give or take, today. I'm a little nervous about my collar. My parents are the type to say 'Hey, what's that?' with anything new. Curious souls, lol.

At work, as I have posted, I say it's a collar to my co-workers. What do I say to my parents/family? Bah. I suppose I should just go with the flow, which works decently for me, and figure it out if it happens.

On the other hand, I don't want to stutter, like I usually do, and bring more attention to it.

I also feel bad that I work Master up an hour before the alarm. I had a silly nightmare. Well, scary at the time, but after I woke it, it was silly.

Badly photoshopped tornado, with bad CGI, in front of Target. I went into the wrong area, and couldn't get to the area I was supposed to be in.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Travel and Headspace

My master has his own blog he writes 2-4 times a month, maybe more if he gets in a good mood :) Go read it, it's ...well, his, lol.

http://alphachronicles1013.blogspot.com

100th Post

Wow, look at all of you followings, and all the views, and now my 100th post! This is awesome.

Master and I are going to Missouri (9 hour drive) to visit my family this weekend. It will be the first time I've ever brought anyone home to meet my folks. I really have no idea what to expect, and it's making Master nervous. I think it's cute.

I asked Master last night if he saw 'improvements' that we had talked about. He said yes, and it made me really happy.

I have noticed that I bite my tongue when I think of something sarcastic to say toward him, which is what we want. I have noticed that I automatically sit below him, when possible, which is what we want. I see myself automatically kneel when he takes or puts on my collar, before bedtime and when we wake up.

I hope to keep that ritual when we are in Missouri - we will see how that works out. We are staying with my dad and stepmom, so... lol.

Also, I've been craving lots and lots of sex lately. Master hasn't been able to comply, cause of work and pain in his knee. I mean, kind of, but  no the 'ending' I want. I feel the most fulfilled when he cums inside me - he hasn't been able to do that lately, and it's ....kind of 'irritating' but that isn't the right word.

I have to get ready for work, and see if I can walk, or if it's too wet and have to change my start from 11am to 1230pm so Master can take me up...

Have a good day, loves!

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Used to, but now?

I used to be fantasize solely about rape play and anonymous encounters.

When I fantasize sexually when alone, Master is always there, no matter who else is involved.

I think it's because I finally count on someone to keep me safe.

Hm.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

New Things!

  • Master takes my collar off at night, and puts it on in the morning. Each time he kisses me, says 'I love you, cherie', and I answer 'I love you, too, Master'.
I like the thought of wearing the collar even while sleeping, but the taking on and off of it, Master doing it, and me asking for it every day, helps keep our roles in mind.
  • I try to be 'below' him more. I have asked to sit on the couch, most of the time he says no. I sit on a pillow on the floor.
The act of me asking to sit on the couch, and him saying no, and me sitting on the floor is a great physical presence of our roles. He is Master, i am slave. He is above me.
  • Bed time at 10:30. He has been good at keeping me in line with it.
Bed time has helped me get a regular schedule, which really helps my anxiety and such. This is really just for me, but I like that he is firm with it, and he likes that he's firm with it.
Love it :)

Pictures


I got these cool things at Target in the dollar bin. 
My little girl side loves them :) I want to wear them a lot.


 Just a few pictures of me :)

Day 8 of 30

Post a kinky image you find erotic.

Bah I am too lazy to spend time getting aroudn the fact that fetlife won't let me save the picture. So here is a link. One woman, lots of men.You see one partial penis.

https://fetlife.com/users/850130/pictures/9616254

tones

Master pointed out a moment ago that I don't notice the tone of my voice.

I wasn't feeling good, and he made me dinner. I am very picky with how things should look, feel, etc. Part of my OCD type of thing. Something was just a tinsy bit off with the sandwich, and I said, outloud, "I can't eat this."

I meant it as in relation to the thing that went against what I liked, but he took it as "I can't eat this because you suck at making it."

My tone was that way, and I didn't even notice that.

I apologized, and all that, and he accepted, but it's something we need to work on. I need to be more aware of my tone of voice.

It's not that I am purposefully being 'rude' or whatever tone people hear, I just don't...know.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Books

I just found out that Maya Banks just had a new book come out - Sweet Addiction <3


I love her Sweet Series erotica! <3

I have to get it. I have to.

This weekend we are going to Missouri. I am so excited!

I am feeling a lot better. My anxiety is trigger by people, I've learned, so when it happens, I politely ask to do a job that allows me to be alone for a while.

So far so good :)

Day 6 & 7 of 30

  • Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy.
 MMF triangle. It's not weird, but you don't see it a lot. Every heard of Maya Bank's Colter Family erotica? There are three brothers who share one woman. It seems descendents do it as well. I like the thought of having more than one man take care of me, and be their slave.

It won't ever happen, sadly, but it's the biggest thing I crave.

Might be my daddy issues? HAHA :)
  • What’s your favorite toy?
I love the flogger. I wish we had one, and I hope that Master finds a cool one he can learn to use correctly :) It's simple, but can be little or lots of pain. <3 love it. I haven't been flogged in about 7 months :(

I crave it a lot.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Now I know..

I feel better now that I know why Master has had a difficult time. He writes about it in his blog here: Alpha Chronicles.

I have felt it was only be going crazy, but apparently he has, too. lol.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Conversation at work today

I was hanging out during a big storm, where no one was in the store, at the fitting room. I was chatting with the person who was in charge, who is around my age. She asked what it was around my neck.There is another  woman wondering around, putting things away, and coming in and out during the conversation.

"Well... it's a collar." I said.

"Oh, a collar? Why are you wearing that?" she asks.

"It's a symbol of my relationship with my fiancee."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, he's in charge of me." I say.

"Why?"

"Because I feel safe." I answer

"Does he have a collar?"

I giggled at this.

"No, that is now how it works in my relationship."

"Why?" she asks.

"He is in charge of pretty much everything." (My standard reply to explaining my relationship)

"Are you going to take it off after your wedding?" she asks.

"No, it stays in kind of forever."

"Is it part of your religion?"

"No, it's a symbol of our relationship."

"Cool. What is your relationship then?"

"Well, have you heard of BDSM? Kind of involves that, but kind of doesn't." I say.

She laughs. The other woman suddenly comes in.

"I'm gonna go put these awaaay."

The conversation just stops, as we started to get busy.

I like this woman - she's nice. :) The other woman, though, looked uncomfortable. My shift was up before I could apologize lol

Day 5 of 30

What was your first kinky sexual experience?  If you haven’t had one yet, talk about what you hope to have happen.

I am going to repost what I wrote in a writing on fetlife. That would be my first kinky sexual experience. It was with someone other than Master.

He arrived about an hour after he texted me that he was on his way. I was nervous, but it usually does take that long, so I’m glad that nothing crazy happened like the other times we tried to plan something. He brought a backpack, which kind of gave me butterflies to see. I couldn’t sit still while he opened it.
He brought out some white rope. Rope is really … pretty. He wrapped the rope around my breasts and then my hands went behind my back. I’ve never had this before. Thought about it, masturbated to it, but it hadn’t happened. It’s a …. strange feeling not being able to use my hands. It wasn’t a bad feeling, though.
He took his time walking around me while I kind of just stood there. I’m shy, but really am an attention whore. I must admit I was getting breathless and kind of played with my fingers while I waited for what he was going to do. He licked and sucked on my nipples, slowly and it made me make tiny noises.
Somewhere around here he pulled my hair at the back of my head and tilted my head up to kiss him. He did this a few times through the evening. Kissing is my favorite thing to do. Add in a good hard hair pulling, and it’s amazing!
He fondled and squeezed my tits while he bit my neck, then I felt his hands move to my ass. I moved closer to his hands, but I don’t think I consciously did that. He kept his breath on my neck, starting with one side, as he caressed my ass.
The first hit made me jump, but it was soft. Well, in my opinion, anyway. He caressed my ass and spanked me a few more times, harder with each hit. He switched to the other cheek and side of my neck and did the same. By then I was squirming and wanting more.
There was also slapping of my clit and pussy, and that was a different feeling. I’ve never had anyone do that before. It hurts a bit more, but I’m sure it’s because it’s a pretty sensitive place. Not as sensitive as my breasts, though, so I am kind of glad that those weren’t hit… Although I wouldn’t object too much.
He took pictures around this time. I remember saying ‘I don’t like pictures of myself.’ He answered ‘Well, I do.’ Okay then.
He made me spread my legs as he stroked my pussy, which I didn’t realize was as wet as it was. Who knew touches, spankings, and a few bites could turn me on so much? He did the same after he lead me to the bed and made me bend over.
He pulled the rope at my back and told me to move to the floor. He walked around me again while he took of his clothes. I had never sucked cock without my hands, so it was …. interesting. I can’t do deep throat, but I did my best to try.
I must say, the cock piercings in my mouth is pretty awesome. I liked the way the metal felt along with the skin of his cock. When I first did this, I was worried about doing something wrong because of the piercing, but not anymore. It makes me like sucking cock a lot more.
My hands were untied around here. My shoulders were a bit sore from my arms staying in that position for a while. My breasts stayed bound. I sat on the bed, cause my legs were tingling. The angle was a bit odd, but when I sit on the bed it works well.
I got to use my hands, which made it a lot more enjoyable for me. Not that my hands tied behind my back wasn’t amazing. I love to touch and feel the cock as my mouth works it.
I love the taste, and I’m sure the sounds I was making proved it.
Sir got the video out. It wasn’t like the pictures. It made me even more confident and made me get pleasure from it even more. I wasn’t ready to stop, but he gripped my hair, pulled, and told me to beg for his cock. I told him no, not because I’m a smartass (well, okay, kind of), but because I’ve never said those words. Usually at this point I just stand up, push my guy into the bed, and jump on top of him.
[Although, maybe I will do that next time, just to see what he does.]
He pulled my hair harder and told me again. I said it quietly. He told me to say it louder. I did, and apparently it wasn’t loud enough. I tried again, and evidently got it right. He helped me up and bent me over the side of my bed again.
He teased my pussy with his cock, and slowly entered me. I adjusted my legs so his piercing wouldn’t scratch (or at the very least push against) something that made it NOT feel good. Which is kind of hard because my legs are short and the angle is kind of weird. But it was done, and it felt pretty fucking awesome.
Throughout playing I try not to be too loud, as a habit, but once I have a cock in me, it seems to switch something and I’m loud. I whimper and moan and all that good stuff. I don’t even realize what I’m doing.
I lost track of how many times I came. A few little ones, and maybe one or two big ones. I don’t count, my mind is on other things when the time comes. (Ha, pun not intended) After that I wasn’t sure if I could still come, but after a few spankings, I found I could do it a few more times.
The video camera was on me pretty much the whole time with that, but I’m not entirely sure. He fucked me pretty hard and I liked it when he came inside me. Which was a lot. I was very sticky afterwards… Which kind of made it even better.
I cleaned up, and then we laid in the bed and talked for a while. My legs were still weak when I kissed and hugged him goodbye when he left.
I’d love to do it again, with even more pain. I didn’t like when his piercing in his cock hit something in a bad way, but with the right adjustments that doesn’t have to happen. And with more marks. I have some where the rope was around my breasts.



Friday, April 13, 2012

Needs

This is what I feel, right now, that I need in my relationship.
  • Guidance. Guide me to the right things to do each day, guide me to face my fears of leaving home every day. Guide me into new things you want me to do, but I am too anxious and scared to do it.
  • A firm hand. Be firm in what is right or wrong. Be firm about getting what is asked to be done. Being firm when I am scared to do whatever is asked. Don't let me get away with things. Ever.
  • Specific rules. Be able to have a set of at least 1-2 things that are done every day to please Master. Be able to be firm about what rules there are, what rituals, and make me do them if, by habit, I don't.
  • Understanding. I have mental problems. I need someone to understand, and at least take the time in understanding the problems I have.
  • Strong. I need someone to be stronger than me. Someone I can count on doing exactly what they say, when they say it. I can't do it, I need someone who can. I also need someone who can be strong when I get emotional.
  • Sex. I need more forceful, painful sex. That's pretty basic, right?
I feel like I am not getting what I need.

Master and I have talked about this. Again. And Again. At least we're communicating. It's still frustrating. I need more.

I think 'need' these because I see it as how a M/s relationship would work best for me. If Master can't do this, i want to know, so I can switch my 'head' into just a 'regular' relationship to deal with it.

We are not splitting up, but we need to find a balance.

Or, at least, I do. I have no idea what is on his mind. I wish he would write more about it, if not talk to me on a random basis. Which men tend not to do.

Apologies accepted, personal feelings? Guilt still there.

I was whiny, and upset over something Master said. He was trying to help, and if I had replied in a better way, he would have known right away that it wouldn't. He told me to take a shower to clear my thoughts - I did, and thought up of a (hopefully) good way to apologize.

Then, I couldn't do it. I had to write an email.
I come out in my towels, my hair up and still wet, then sit on the floor, laying my head on your thigh. "I'm sorry, Master, for getting upset when you were only trying to help. I'm sorry for not doing as you told me to. What can I do to make it up to you?"
It's simple, yet I couldn't get it past my lips.

Master accepted it as a communication tool, and complimented me on me trying to tell him through whatever means. He also said that he will try to find ways to help me instead of just waiting for me to come talk to him.

I feel better now, but I said and did things that weren't nice, or what he expects from his slave. I apologized the best I could but I still want to be able to speak to him.

Day 4 of 30

Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?

Hm. Doing as I was told, and putting all my focus on doing it well? Not sure I can honestly say yes or no to this one. I can't think of anything 'masochistic' or 'sadist' wise for those things. I have always loved being a 'pre-teen' on personality.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Day 3 of 30

How did you discover you were kinky?

 Honestly, I don't remember. I remember feeling a bit frustrated with my partner, not knowing what I really wanted. I was reading a friend's blog on livejournal, and I asked about the kinky stuff she was writing about. She led me to fetlife.com, and I was there for about a year before I was really active.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

My Head

I just explained this to Master, and I think it's a good way to explain my head.

When I am feeling healthy, good, etc, my head is white, calm, and if anything bad comes in, I tend to analyze it, and put it through a certain white door, to put it in a safe place and learn from it.

When I am feeling depressed, bad, and uncontrolled, my head turns into a rainbow of colors, actions, and sounds. All over the place. If something bad comes in, it stays, gets crowded, and never leaves.

My senses feel overloaded.

The rainbow in my head is how I feel now.

Master's frustrations

I think Master is frustrated that I didn't tell him how bad it had gotten. I thought I had, telling him I felt depressed and such, but I suppose I didn't tell him *exactly* how bad it was.

That makes me feel worse. :(

Depressions Update

I called into work, and then I curled up in a ball and cried on our big beanbag in our room. I feel like such a failure for calling in just cause I feel a little depressed.

I called a psychiatric place here in town that does a sliding scale, and set up an appointment for April 25th. I am going to look into counseling as well - she talked about it on the phone, but I couldn't focus enough to hear the name of the place they go through.

I am going to pick up paperwork today.

Doesn't help that it's cloudy and chilly today :(

Day 2 of 30

List your kinks.

 I edited the post where I list My Kinks, which is linked above :)

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Depression

I came home early today from work. I couldn't focus on what I was doing, I felt weak and exhausted. Headache and sinus pain stuff.

I feel this all the time. I feel pathetic that I can barely make it through 5 hours of work, when someone my age should be A-OK with a 40 hours work week. Like Master.

It makes my depression worse knowing that.

I am going to the Women's Clinic tomorrow to at least make an appointment to talk about my birth control, and what options I have. I have no insurance, no money to even do that - but I know the WC does a sliding scale and payments.

It isn't just being here in Nebraska. I've felt myself getting weaker and weaker since last summer - that is why my job at the day care started to fall through. I didn't even enough *energy*.

I hope it's nothing horrible, and honestly just depression. I know I can deal with that.

Day 1 of 30

  • Dom, sub, switch?  What parts of BDSM interest you?  Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us.

 Oh, my, I think I posted this a while ago, but I will again :)

I am a slave, in the meaning of 'being owned by another' and 'doing things I am allowed to do only'. Look up the definition of slave in the dictionary, and I will technically be there.

I am submissive, and can be dominant with someone I am comfortable with.

I am a sadist, who likes to give pain.

I am a masochist, who likes to receive pain.

I love bondage, being tied up and feeling 'helpless', and getting turned on.

I love making someone feel 'helpless' but turning them on.

Uh. Oh! It is not a part of 'BDSM' but it is a kink. I act like a pre-teen a lot, and it's fun to 'play' that role unsexually.

I like the HoH - Head Of Household type of thing, with Master being HoH.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Easter easter!

Happy Easter to those who do things about it :)

We are going to Master's parents house just to hang out and spend time with them.

I had to ask to take my collar off last night - with hot flashes, it felt like I was choking. When Master wakes up,  he will put it back on.

I'm a bit torn - he said when I wake up, it needs to go on, but I don't want to wake him up when he's sleeping. Blah. I can't put it on myself.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Depressions and Train of thoughts

Master and I are trying to figure this out, and it's hard. Our minds work so much different. I am very literal. I answer exactly what you asked for.

My response to 'What did you do today?'
We went to see Master's brother wrestle in a tournament. His sister was there, so we chatted with her. Saw his dad, because he was coaching Master's brother. Had some food there, but got tired, so we came home. I took a nap while Master was online. Now I'm awake, and not sure what to do other than play online.
Then...
Master's response to "What did you do today?"
Saw my brother wrestle.

See the difference?

The issue came when I saw that he was chatting to a woman (who has had an interest, a bit, of playing with me, but she is older than I am comfortable with), and I asked to see more of the conversation.

He said they talked about some guys she were seeing, about the old group we were in, and that we can't find a third, and probably have stopped looking.

A normal person would be fine with that. I am not. I asked if he could tell me what she said exactly, or to show me

He can't comprehend doing it, and I can't comprehend not doing it.

Our view on transparency is very different. If asked, I think people should answer, because that means they have nothing to hide. He, on the other hand, thinks that I should just take what he says, and live with it.

It's not really about me trusting him, it's about my brain getting what it needs to get fulfilled with an honest, complete answer.

We are working and communicating about it, and have before, as I'm sure readers know. Bah.

Dramatics?

I post a little bit on my livejournal about Master and my relationship. It's not as extensive as here, but it's a bit. My followers there have asked questions, so I answer them.

I was reading the list of blogs from my friends, and one of them said something about "hating it when people talk about d/s using words like 'control' and 'rough sex'."

I commented that about how I'm sorry if I offended her, and I'd love to hear her opinion, but it made me think.

Isn't D/s (or M/s in my case) about control, about who has the authority, be it a little or a lot?


What are your thoughts?

Friday, April 6, 2012

Awkward Moments

I am such an awkward person when it comes to men, or people I find 'above me' in anyway. Today, at work, I bought a few things, and was walking back to the offices before I started my shift. i was eating some candy,and the leader on duty stopped me.

"So, that's a york peppermint patty. Where ya going?"
"Uh, well, the break room"
"No, I meant like in the commercials. it takes them to places...oh never mind"

Yeah, I didn't get that. I don't get those things. My mind is so literal. That's why I am so awkward and weird - I can't be UN literal with someone until about 9 months to a year of seeing a person on a fairly regular basis.
Thomas is the exception, but it is still taking time for me to get more open and laid back with him.
The whole 'above me' comment should be explained.

I see 'men' as 'above' me. They are stronger, bigger, 'in control' better... that's just how I see things. Of course, I know a lot of women who are the "Master", Thomas is to me.

Anyway, that explains that comment...

Especially men taller, scruffy, and in a 'manly' profession, and in shape.

I want to read some Harlequin Blaze novella. I especially love the "Uniformly Hot" serious. Yum. Military.
Damnit, now I'm horny.

30 Days Of Kink - totally doing it

  • Dom, sub, switch?  What parts of BDSM interest you?  Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us.
  • List your kinks.
  • How did you discover you were kinky?
  • Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?
  • What was your first kinky sexual experience?  If you haven’t had one yet, talk about what you hope to have happen.
  • Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy.
  • What’s your favorite toy?
  • Post a kinky image you find erotic.
  • Post a kink related song or music video you enjoy.
  • What are your hard limits?
  • What are your views on the ethics of kink?
  • Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you’ve had.  If you haven’t had one, talk about aspects of kink/BDSM you find funny.
  • Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you?  Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?
  • How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink?  If you haven’t experienced real life BDSM/kink how do you think it might differ?
  • Write about a BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try.
  • What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?
  • What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up?
  • Any kinky/BDSM pet peeves?  If so, what are they?
  • Any unexpected ways kink has improved your life?  If so, what are they?
  • Talk about something within kink/bdsm that you’re curious about/don’t understand.
  • Favorite BDSM related book (fiction or non-fiction)
  • What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy?  How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?
  • Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed?  How so?
  • What qualities do you look for in a partner?
  • How open are you about your kinks?
  • What’s your opinion on online BDSM play?
  • Do your non-kink interests ever find their way into your kinky activities? If so, how?
  • How do you dress for kink/BDSM play?  What significance does your attire have to you?
  • Do you have a BDSM title (e.g. mistress, master, slut, pig, whore, princess, goddess, ma’am, sir)?  What is your opinion of the use of titles in general?
  • Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Fetlife.

If ya'll want to add me on fetlife, here is the link: littlecherie.

Where can I find the '30 days of BDSM' thingimabob?

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

My Collar

What is the meaning behind the collar?

I don't like to use an animal comparison, cause I don't see animals on the same level as humans, but it's the best I can do.

When you have a pet, you take care of it, feed it, love it, etc, and you put the collar around it's neck to show that you own it. That is what the collar means. He owns me. I put my life in his hands, and he can do whatever he wants to me. He is above me, the way I am above a pet, with authority.

He has the key. I can't take it off unless that key is used. He said to only take it off myself in an emergency. Now, I can just ignore his order, and do it anyway, but what's the point? I go back on my word if I do that. I agreed to do as he says.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

In Depth

Isn't it abusive, though? When you say no, it means no!
The only difference between an abusive relationship and my relationship? Consent. I consented to be abused, emotionally and physically. He doesn't do it emotionally, though, but the point is that he could. Physically, I love bruises and pain. I am loving it more and more. The word 'no' doesn't exist in our relationship. Yes, I say it, and I may mean it, but I consented to him making me say yes.

The good thing about this, is that I am allowed to say no when I have a good reason.

What do you mean allowed? You have your own mind, use it!
I am allowed to say no, to state my opinions, to sometimes even get my way. It is at his discretion. He can take away everything. I may resent him for it, but in the end, I love that he as all the authority. All. I gave myself to him - body, mind, and possessions. What is mine is his, and what is his, is his.

Why don't you just do it? Why ask?
The biggest 'symbol' of our relationship (besides the collar) is asking for everything. I have been getting used to asking for things.

"Master, may I have some chocolate?"
"Master, may I put some clothes on?"
"Can I have a kiss, Master?"
"May I use the computer, Master?"
"What would you like for dinner?"
"Am I cooking tonight?"

I have also begun to use these questions in public.

"Master" - such and old word.
We went through some phases. First it was Sir, then it was Master, when we decided that we would try a complete Power Transfer. It has worked amazingly for us - our relationship is so much better. With his rules of being honest and transparent, my communication skills has improved, and still is improving in a good way.

I have gotten used to using "Master" in other instances beside his use of my 'slave' name. (which is simple Cherie)

Guilt
It took a while to not feel guilty about liking these things. I am still trying to accept that I 'serve a man'. Growing up, seeing my mother (non-consensually) being forced to do things, I told myself I would never be below a man.

And, look, here I am. We are equal in the fact we are human brings. The unequality comes to authority. That is the point of this relationship. Although some M/s relationships have nothing to do with love, it has everything to do with authority. Mine does have ';love' in it, but I feel it has more 'security' than any other relationship I've had.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Question #2

This was from my lifejournal account :)

Does your family (and/or friends) know about your lifestyle and relationship (the M/s aspects, of course, not that you're IN a relationship, lol)? If so, how do they feel about it? If not, do you think you'll ever tell them? How much or how little would you let them know?

My mother knows a little bit - she knows about the parties I've been to. I've even sent her to fetlife - no idea if she is active or not, we decided not to talk about it at all. Weird, ya know? Everyone else, I just say that Thomas is in charge. That's about it. For the ones that want to know more, if they ask, I well tell them the exact answer to their question, nothing more, nothing less.

I do worry a bit, but my family accepts me. As soon as I turned 18, they were 'good luck, learn from your mistakes, we'll be here for you'. It took me a while to realize they meant it. I am still learning.

Questions [#1]

Kitten's Master (as his screenname is) ask these of me on my last post.

1. Is it erotic to have a collar on?
- It kind of is, especially when Master decides to hook his finger around it and pull me to him.

2. How do you feel when/if you take it off?
- I haven't taken it off yet, I've only had it for a day, LOL I'll let you know.

3. How does you Master feel about polygamous relationships?
Well, Master has allowed me to look for a girlfriend of my own. We are hoping that she wants to be in a relationship with each of us, but that doesn't have to happen. I am not sure I can take Master going out and having other relationships (right now). If he wants to do that, I will find a way to be okay with that, but he hasn't said anything about it, so...

Collar/Work/Wedding

WORK
I wore my collar to work yesterday. The only reason the LOD (leader on duty) commented on it, was because there were a handful of teenagers at the fitting room, and he was making sure they weren't doing anything 'bad', lol. Otherwise, there would have been no comment. It's small enough not to be noticeable, but big enough for me to feel it. I slept with it last night.

I put the 'rings' that came with it. They just slid on, kind of like the ring on a pet collar, but it moves more easily, lol. I asked to wear the ring portion everywhere but work, and Master said yes. We are at the laundry mat right now, and I have it on :-)

STAIN REMOVAL
Somehow, we spilled coffee all over Master's white button up wedding shirt, so we sent it home with his dad (who was up this weekend) so his mom could try and get it out. It's decently cheap at target, but I still don't want to buy another one if we don't have to buy another one.

Bored, so, ask me 3 questions. I dare you. *squints a challenge*