Monday, April 30, 2012

Jealousy. Or more?

I hate feeling that way. HATE HATE HATE it.

Master was talking to someone, and suddenly I couldn't breath. I had to see what he was saying, I had to stop him from giving that person attention. I wanted the attention. Why hadn't he said anything to me? Why hadn't he smiled at me since we got home? Why hasn't he talked or laughed or discussed something with me? Why hadn't he told me he loved me? Why did I have to say it? Why can't he do things with me, instead of sit beside me while I do something?

He put his phone down. I was shaking. I grabbed his phone, looked at what was there (his conversation with the person), and threw it down like it was hot.

I hate feeling this way.

I have no idea why I do this.

Maybe counseling will help. Because I hate this.

He was patient with me. He asked if I was okay, I said no. I told him I didn't like the way I was feeling. He asked what I was feeling. I said I didn't know.

My chest was tight, and tears were in my eyes. I hate crying, too. Especially in front of people.

After a few moments, I was still shaking. He scooted back on the bean bag and told me to get on it with him.

I was grateful.

It's been about 10 minutes since then, and my chest is still kind of tight, and I feel horribly guilty and upset at myself still.

I have no reason to feel this way. To be this jealous. I don't know why.


Master took a shower, and said I was to write about how I felt. Well, there ya go.

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