Wednesday, May 30, 2012


This is a video of Master caning me :) It is set in the middle of our session :)

I Feel Normal, Yet Unaccepted

I feel normal, yet I also feel unaccepted. I feel lonely, although I am truly a social creature. Why? I hope to explain it a bit in this writing. I am going to pick specific parts of myself that I feel normal about, yet feel like it's an abnormal thing, and people seem to.... look down on those parts. The reasons I talk about will most likely have something to do with where I live, who I am around, and my growth in the past 6 months.
  1. Politics
    •  Mine. I am liberal. I am almost anti-government. I am a protector of equality for all. I am anti-war. I am pro-choice. I am against banning books, and accept flag burning. I do not like guns.
    • Others. Pretty much the opposite of what I wrote above. Example? I met a friend of a friend of Thomas's, and we were just speaking about how life was. I commented on a few liberal views, spoke a bit of my mind on how I think I should be respected for certain things, and he went off. He called me 'bitch', a 'disrespectful little shit', and I know some others that I can't remember.
    • I want to find a place where I can join groups that focus on Equality For All, and liberal ideas. I can't find anything. I don't mind starting a group, but how do I start it?
  2. Religion
    • Mine. Agnostic, against organized religion. Interested in Wiccan and Witchcraft. Expects people who are 'Christians' to be more judgmental than anyone I have met. I am honestly always surprised when Thomas says he believes in God. It's different than that I expect.
    • Others. Christians. This area is full of believers of God, with a few branches of different 'houses', I suppose is the word. I feel unaccepted because of an incident at work.
      • We were just talking while we folded clothes, and she asked if I went to Church this weekend. I said no, I don't go to church. She asked which one did I used to go to, I said I didn't, and she asked why. I told her I don't consider myself Christian. She asked what I did consider myself, and the subject of Wiccan and Witchcraft came up. The next few times we worked together she would always try to convince me to go to church, or I would go to hell. She doesn't work there anymore, but it's still on my mind.
  3. Relationship
    • Mine. Male-sentric. Known each other for a short-term. Meet online, moved here with in 4 months. Thomas makes all the decisions at the end of the day. I may want something, but I don't always get it.
      • Consent. I've consented to him saying 'yes' when I say no. I've consented to doing things I don't like, to please him. This is not just sexual, but in a general, all around sense.
      • Permission. I always ask permission for everything I do. I see it as respect to the fact that most of the money comes from him. It also promotes myself to trust his actions, and to help him accept times when he may be wrong. 
      • Authority. Thomas has all the authority. Nothing more, nothing less, and this should be easy to understand.
    • Others. I've been asked why I have to ask permission, and laughed at for having to do so. Even my step-mother can't seem to understand why he is in charge. It is a very female-sentric home back in their house. They usually have a 'compromise' household, which I technically don't.
  4. Sexuality
    • Mine. Sex is just sex to myself. I can use it as a physical way to have fun, to sort through my mind, and to just get an orgasm and move on. I can always use it to connect with a person. Nudity is not sexual at for me. I am open about what happens sexually between Thomas and I. We like things that most would consider 'freaky', which it seems that most people like as well. I am bisexual - I am attracted to males and females, and am open to relationships to both at the same time.
    • Others. Sex is for a marriage. Sex is for reproduction (which I can agree with). Sex is between a man and a woman, no more, no less, no others. Anything other than covered body is bad, dangerous, and screws up our kids. A penis and a vagina are hideous body parts. Breasts are hideous body parts. Birth control is for baby-killers. This is pretty much  made up of things I think ignorant people think.
I was trying to think of others to list, but I can't seem to think of more, so this will do.

I am going to print this out and give it to my counselor. Even the ones explaining my relationship and sexuality.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Memorial Day - Thoughts And Things

Master is a Veteran. He was in Iraq for 9 months, and away from home for over a year, about 2 or so years ago. (He is taking a nap, so I can't ask him exactly how long ago, lol). It took me a while to connect that his normal, average, everyday job that I do, can be so much more dangerous in a setting in Iraq when he does it. It took me a while to understand that some of his friends didn't come home.

I have no experience with someone I know, someone I am close to, being in a military setting. It is... kind of odd, I must say.

He is still in the Army Reserves, and there is that small chance that he can be deployed at any time. Technically, he can get a call and need to be ready in 24 hours. He has assured me that the risk is low, but...

I'm still dealing with it, in my head, that there is a chance he will go..

Anyway, this is all new to me, and I'm trying to understand his reasoning of putting himself in danger, his pride in serving, and all that good stuff.

We have different views with politics, with wars, with a lot of other things, but I have learned that it doesn't matter. What does matter is that I just be there for when things may or may not happen, and whenever some 'demon' from those moments come up.

I've had people thank me, when they thank him. I really don't understand, yet, why I should be thanked, but they say that without the support of family, friends, and loved ones, what would happen to our soldiers?

Thanks to all. Honestly. I never understood the full importance of saying thank you, until I met Master.

Memorial Weekend

I will post a separate entry about Master, Veterans, and other things of that nature. This one, though, is all about our trip to Kansas City to the KC FLOG TNG Breath Play Demo and Play Party!

Right now I am trying to download pictures so I can post them in this entry. As I do that, I will write about it! Also, cameras or recording devices were not allowed in the party, so I have no pictures of that.

We left here Saturday morning, around 7:45am. The trip was about 5 hours there, 5 hours back, give or take the stops for food and gas.I was so excited, but nervous, because it was new people, and I didn't really know how this dungeon worked.

We got to our hotel, and rested. We left and started walking, because Master thought it was in walking distance. It was, but he didn't realize that what Google Maps gave us, was the wrong way. When we finally got there, we realized that I didn't have my ID. I didn't even think about it.

We had to walk all the way back to our hotel. There was a lot of me yelling and him doing his silent thing when he is frustrated. We are way different when we get upset - I talk a lot, he says nothing.

Anyway, we got it all straightened out, said sorry, and get in. The breath play demonstration was lovely! It started out with a lot of medical things, with a lot of bad things that could happen. They way he presented the information was great. It was more of :"This will never be safe, but here some things that may make it safer" type of thing.

Afterwards, Master and I watched some scenes in the dungeon, and above in the presentation room. I got to see an old friend from Utah, that had moved to Kansas, and met her Master. She is my role model for a slave - they are Gorean, and while I am interested, we are not at a time to explore it. Just yet, anyway.

I also got to meet the girl I have been talking to a lot. It was so awesome to meet her! I spent most of the time during the play party with her, and her family. They are lovely people! I wish we could have spent more time with them.

Next month is going to be about Master/slave relationships, and maybe protocol - this is one that was really, really want to go to, but with it being right after the wedding and honeymoon, we may not be able to afford it. The person who hosted the event said we coudl stay with him, so that is a possibility, but we still need gas money

We are now home! The trip back was long, but I love road trips.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Thank you!

First, I want to thank the few people who commented on my last post about seeking another right now. I always do that when I am lonely, and you guys always say - wait until the wedding is over at least! You guys are right, and thanks for keeping me in line.

Please keep doing it. I need all the help I can get while I work on my head stuff :P

Took a picture. The TARDIS landed on Mt Boob!

Nothing Special

I saw I haven't posted in a while, so I will post something. Can't promise it will be that great ;-)

I just sent a text to Master asking if I can have an online male submissive/masochist/something. He has a thing against males - it's a general thing, not just worry about me. (one of the things I mean when I speak therapy). He knows that I have needs that he is having a hard time meeting.

Maybe this will help both of us. But, he has to be okay with it, first.

I am getting married in 25 days. I am so nervous.

Master and I have been playing YuGiOh, the card game, and he has kicked my ass every time. I suck at strategy games. I bought a Hunger Games strategy game, and he kicked my ass even though I understood it better than him.

I think if I practice, I will get better.


What are your thoughts on 'third person' speak?

Friday, May 18, 2012

Sex is nice.

I did anal without saying "it hurts!". I did whine, but ... it was weird. I did it without thinking. I mean, I let him do it without saying "Please, it hurts!" - that's a huge thing. Master loved it, I loved it cause he did..

And in the end? He came on my face. I kind of like it now. I mean, he knows it's the worse thing he could do (well, one of them, lol), and it shows his dominance toward me.

He said I keep challenging, while he was hitting me with the cane and flogger. I said I was, because I want him to tell me to shut up. Saying "Shut up, slave," would totally turn me in if we are in a sexual thing, like we were.\

Anyway, here are pictures!

Thursday, May 17, 2012


Holy crap, it's the 17th! I'm getting married in... well, a month! Literally! D: lol.

I am going into work at 5am tomorrow. I never do that. sighs I get a few hours of shift differential, so that is kind of cool :) Work 5 hours, and someone is giving me a ride.

Not this weekend, but next weekend is Kansas City! We have to be tight with money, from now on, because it's getting... well, tighter. Master's bonus is running out. Damn bills and car stuff! -shakes fist-

I want to see 21 Jump Street. MMMMMM Channing Tatum is so yummy. LOL!

Hm. What else. Oh! I think I made my last payment on my credit card debt! I have to chat with them, and make sure it goes through and everything, probably tomorrow afternoon.

Crap, there is a Wine and Jazz festival we wanted to go.. may not cause of money.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012


We haven't used it yet, but here is our new flogger:

And this is me right now!

Master's Blog; Other Things

Master wrote an entry that tells a bit what is going on in his head. I am super glad he wrote this. I understand how hard it is to verbally tell what is going on. I encourage him to write, as I do, to help. I'm glad he is taking my suggestions.

It makes me feel like I am helping him. I need to be able to help him.

I think things are going well, other than little depression things with both of us.

I have a therapy appointment tomorrow. If Master can't get off, I will let him know he doesn't have to go. We need the money, and if it goes against his needing to go to work to keep to his commitment, I can't stop him.

I'm a fixer. I have to fix and help with everything.

*adds that to the list of issues to discuss with therapist*

Monday, May 14, 2012

Sex, or lack thereof

I want sex! Doesn't have to be intimate, I just want painful, rough, sex. Master says he hasn't been 'into' it, for the past week or so, and it's killing me.

I get pissy, things get all 'weird' and 'off', and I get depressed.

I get depressed if I don't have sex more than once a week with my partner.



Make it stoooop! I don't want this bothersome thing!

The thing that popped into my mind? Having a penis just for sex, that's it, when Master just isn't in the mood, and I am, and am getting depressed and all that from not having sex.

He would definitely say no. No need to even think about that.



Sunday, May 13, 2012

Love without control?

This was asked in a thread on fetlife, and I wanted to post my answers here.
In the case with you and your master do you think that he wouldn't love you if you didn't give him control?
Honestly, if you want a completely honest answer, you would have to ask him, but I think he loves me no matter what. Which makes it even more awesome. God knows we've been through a lot in the past 6 months I've lived here with him.
I get that there is some gray area here because part of who you are reflects the fact that you want him to take control so it works out but that doesn't encompass you as a person.
I function as whole better if I have someone managing me. Some people may call it a mental disability. Maybe it is, but it makes our lives better and easier if he just takes control, and allows me to do as I please until he wants me to stop, and do it his way.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Picture Day!

Master and I had a little spat on the way to Perkin's for a big breakfast before I went to work. It started out with me being upset that he didn't tell me about a really cool watch he bought, and went all the way to why he needs therapy as well as me.

Yeah, it wasn't good. I decided that it wasn't the best idea to leave it at that, and go to work, so Master allowed me to call in and take a personal day. I felt that we needed to spend some 'fun' time together - as we don't get to do that with weird work schedules and his drill weekends running close these last few weeks.

We went to a few museums, an antique place, and I think we may go The Avengers tonight. So, here are a few pictures :)

^^ Nebraska Museum of Art. These pictures were in the gallery called "Disorders". It said that all the art in there were made with people with some sort of mental "disorder", or their art was in 'disorder'. The first one spoke to me. It's how my head feels when I have an attack of whatever sort. The second one was just really, really creepy. That's all I remember, lol.^^

 ^^These were found in the antique store. I liked the first one, which is some sort of punch serving thing. We also find a wine set that we looove but is $110. Master found some cool old liquor holding bottles that we kind of wanted, as well. Maybe next time :) The second thing, the troll, was just weird and creepy lol^^

^^Firefighters Museum! Master wouldn't let me dress up, as they had a little corner for kids :) The first picture is of me sitting in the little second that played Smokey The Bear movie things.^^

^^Master's new watch :) Can't see, but it's a replica of a watch in the anime Full Metal Alchemist.^^

Yes, that's the one we fought over. *ahem* I think we are okay now.
He agreed to take the afternoon off on Wednesday to sit in with me during my counseling.
I have to be honest, I wish he would go for his problems. I know they would help...

Friday, May 11, 2012

Wedding/Sex/No Roomate

Our wedding is in 35 days. I'm getting nervous - my only 'worry' is ... fuck, I don't know why I am so worried! Everything has gone really well in planning it, why shouldn't the wedding go well? I am using Pandora to help make a playlist of background songs for the 'reception'. We are just having dinner, no dance floor, but still, music is nice!

Our roommate will be gone starting tonight through the end of July with a summer job in another town. I kind of hope that means we will be more 'in tune' with our M/s roles and more fun rituals for us to try. We shall see. :-)

This morning was one of the rare times when we had sex with me on top. It was okay, but I really don't like it. I can't get 'movement' very well.

Okay, I have nothing amazing to post. This is why this is so boring.

I work this afternoon, so.. later!

Thursday, May 10, 2012


Master commented on me helping him more with laundry. I said okay. He took over and did it anyway.

I told him that I can't help if he doesn't let me.

Let's see what happens next time!

Also. 4th try for a good pic. This is what you get. Lol!

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Major Life Changes

Marriage: I am really nervous, and having the normal "is this really the best thing for me to do right now?" thoughts. I know it is, but... I mean, it's a major life change. I have to change my name, my tax papers, my ways of getting insurance, simple legal things that I really have no idea the impact until it happens..

Plus, more stuff with the Army Reserves, since he is under contract for another 6 years, and since I have no experience even indirectly with that stuff I really have no idea what is there and what isn't there. Whew!\


bites lip and worries about what hairstyle to have on her wedding day lol!

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Things Happening Now

I had my first official counseling session today. It was pretty basic. Talked about a few things we want to 'do' in it. Help me socialize, help me let go of the past, and help me appreciate my accomplishments.

She also recommended waiting until after the wedding to think about school. I do have a lot going on, and July is an empty month, besides apartment hunting, which shouldn't take too long.

I've pushed away the girl I was trying to get to know, through my panic attacks with her talking to Master. It's not that I don't like it, it's just the past throw themselves in front of me. I have major abandonment issues. I am scared to death of him suddenly leaving me. It's not just women, it's pretty much anyone he associates with.

I am ready to face that issue, along with others. I'm terrified, but I need to be able to function. Not functioning, and knowing it, is effecting it even more.

Anyway, I apologized to the girl, and am now trying to build back that trust and friendship that we had and were working towards.

Schooling in the fall will definitely give me something to do while Master is away for those 2 weeks for training. I am looking forward to having something to do.

We have a few things coming up for us:
  • KC TNG Demo and Party. It's a demo on Breath Play, and a play party afterwards. It is on the 26th and 27th. I've already take those days off!
  • Wedding & Honeymoon. June 15th, 2012 - We have the catering done, and we just have to pay the fees on the day off for the cake, the place we are having it, and the officiant. (which reminds me - have to email her!)
  • New Apartment! We have to move the second week of August. Master has drill the first weekend, and he is gone the third and fourth weekend.
July is really just for apartment hunting, and now signing up to start school in August.

Wooden dowels

Master used the wooden dowel on my back. It didn't hurt too much - except at the end when he really wacked me a few times.

This was more for stress release for myself, followed by awesome sex for him.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

A little freak out.

I think I realize why I freak out with Master talking to anyone I am trying to get close to. If he talks to them it becomes OUR friend. I want some of MY friends. I have no friends. I am trying!

Hair dye

Master says its pretty. I think it looks weird. But I can work with it.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Official Honeymoon; Other Things

Official honeymoon news! Well, I am getting married in 40 days. (holy crap!), and Master is getting tickets for the Denver ComicCon, which is the weekend of our honeymoon.

We aren't telling our families, because they would throw a fit and tell us what a real honeymoon should be like. It would just be a waste of everyone's time, so until we are actually there, they just know we are going to Denver, nothing else.

Last night, I let myself kneel at the side of the bed, muted the TV, and said something for 10 minutes:

He is Master. I will obey.

I want to make it something I do every night, but I am too shy to do it in front of him. So, hopefully, he will allow me time to do it alone at night, and when I am comfortable, he will come in.

 I feel so much better than I did yesterday.

Stupid periods. With medications, it's not as bad, but it's still bad. :(

Thank You.

Thank you, Master, for allowing me to vent.
Thank you, Master, for not allowing me to use excuses.
Thank you, Master, for allowing me time to answer.
Thank you, Master, for helping me face my fears.
Thank you, Master, for allowing my little side to come out.
Thank you, Master, for understanding my need for pain.
Thank you, Master, for understanding my need for comfort.
Thank you, Master, for showing me the things I need to see.
Thank you, Master, for allowing me to serve you.

Friday, May 4, 2012

When Master and I talked about him re-enlisting, I told him that it would probably take a while for me to get used to him being gone on the weekends. I don't have any friends here, so I kind of just talk to him, and lean on him when I'm having issues, or when I want attention, or whatever.
I also told him that it was completely his choice.
I'm having a hard time this weekend - due to PMS & the fact that he's gone for the second weekend in a row. I feel like I haven't seen him much in the last two weeks, due to work and drill weekends.
Anyway, I told him this, and he said that he shouldn't have reenlisted if it was giving me a hard time. I reminded him that I told him before, and he said:
I thought that within two weeks you'd' be glad to be rid of me.
I started crying and said: No, I'm excited after a day of you being away for you to come home.
He sighed.
I don't know what I'm going to do when he's gone for two weeks, and I'll be in a new apartment all by myself. We move the beginning of August, and he has to go to training the last two weeks of August.
I don't want to make him stressed or upset, but he told me to tell him when I am upset, so I am.
I also said I'd support him, and I find myself not able to do that!

I have an irrational fear of guns. I don't remember having been around them, except those in a case (but, I don't remember my childhood so..maybe my fear is from there?)
Thomas wanted to get a gun this afternoon on his way to drill. I said No! Don't add more stress to my already full plate!
Again, he said he didn't realize him going away for weekend a month would be that bad.
I said it's not that, I'm getting nervous with the wedding, the move, and his two weeks of training.
It's like he underestimated my panic and fears. I've been crying for three hours over this.
I don't know if I'm strong enough to deal with all these issues. I start counseling next week but....
I want to be able to function like a normal person!
I just want to be able to support him, and not let my fears habitually take over. I don't know how to stop it.

Another Silly Panic Attack

I'm on my period (well, about to start), so I think is a huge part of it.

Master went to the movie 'The Avengers' last night. Today I got upset that Master didn't tell me how it went. Usually, if he's excited about something, he starts rambling and I have to tell him to stop repeating himself. I got upset because he wasn't his usual self.

I didn't even stop to think that it was late, and he had to go up to the tire place early in the morning. I apologized after I had calmed down, but Master and I did have a talk.

We've come to some conclusion through our talking.

I have a 'scared little girl' part of my mind, that comes out when something new pops into my life. I haven't been 'strong' enough to keep it at bay, and she takes over my head.

Master said I need to fight her, then we decided that 'fight' wasn't the right word.

What I need to do is convince that 'little girl' that she is an adult now, she has me, she has Master, and she has new friends we are making that will protect her from bad things. She is not alone.

I don't want to take that 'little girl' part away from me. I want her to become a part of me.

This is a good thing. I'm glad Master and I talked, and I apologized. He says he understands how hard it is for me, but he won't let me keep doign things when I can do something to change it.


Thursday, May 3, 2012


Using the blogger app on my phone :) here are some pictures lol


Master wrote a response to my jealousy post. I still disagree with some of what he says, but whatever. Maybe some insight from you guys may help both of us.

Alpha Chronicles

My new phone is lovely. I got a smartphone, and it costs me $59 a month :) Super excited! I can use the internet on there on my break, play a few games, and text text text! AND I can send pictures from my phone to facebook, fetlife, and other places.

This is awesome.

Master got a few new toys. A wooden dowel he put electric tape around, and a rope that is a bit rough, but he wants to use it for pretty pictures. Eventually :P

We also ordered a flogger that will be here in a week or so! :)

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

This Morning

It started out as usual, him moving my hand down to his cock. I played with that. Next, my mouth, with his hands between my legs. After that, he put his cock in my pussy. I orgasmed a few times. He took it out and made me suck it.

Okay, I like that!

All of a sudden, he held my head still, and shot his cum on my face. He knows I hate that.

I let him. Afterwards, I felt like a good slave. It was nice.

Just a few moments ago, on the way home, it came up. He commented how I've been less 'submissive' lately. I apologized. He said that him forcing me to take his cum like that this morning was to oppose that.

I thought about it.

He's right. This new medicine is making me more aware of my surroundings. I want to submit, I want to be his slave, but this may open up my 'fiesty-ness' more. The real me.

I hope he likes that. I'm a tinsy bit worried he won't but...

I don't think I have to worry.

He's my master, I love him, he loves me, and I'm his slave.