Wednesday, May 30, 2012

I Feel Normal, Yet Unaccepted

I feel normal, yet I also feel unaccepted. I feel lonely, although I am truly a social creature. Why? I hope to explain it a bit in this writing. I am going to pick specific parts of myself that I feel normal about, yet feel like it's an abnormal thing, and people seem to.... look down on those parts. The reasons I talk about will most likely have something to do with where I live, who I am around, and my growth in the past 6 months.
  1. Politics
    •  Mine. I am liberal. I am almost anti-government. I am a protector of equality for all. I am anti-war. I am pro-choice. I am against banning books, and accept flag burning. I do not like guns.
    • Others. Pretty much the opposite of what I wrote above. Example? I met a friend of a friend of Thomas's, and we were just speaking about how life was. I commented on a few liberal views, spoke a bit of my mind on how I think I should be respected for certain things, and he went off. He called me 'bitch', a 'disrespectful little shit', and I know some others that I can't remember.
    • I want to find a place where I can join groups that focus on Equality For All, and liberal ideas. I can't find anything. I don't mind starting a group, but how do I start it?
  2. Religion
    • Mine. Agnostic, against organized religion. Interested in Wiccan and Witchcraft. Expects people who are 'Christians' to be more judgmental than anyone I have met. I am honestly always surprised when Thomas says he believes in God. It's different than that I expect.
    • Others. Christians. This area is full of believers of God, with a few branches of different 'houses', I suppose is the word. I feel unaccepted because of an incident at work.
      • We were just talking while we folded clothes, and she asked if I went to Church this weekend. I said no, I don't go to church. She asked which one did I used to go to, I said I didn't, and she asked why. I told her I don't consider myself Christian. She asked what I did consider myself, and the subject of Wiccan and Witchcraft came up. The next few times we worked together she would always try to convince me to go to church, or I would go to hell. She doesn't work there anymore, but it's still on my mind.
  3. Relationship
    • Mine. Male-sentric. Known each other for a short-term. Meet online, moved here with in 4 months. Thomas makes all the decisions at the end of the day. I may want something, but I don't always get it.
      • Consent. I've consented to him saying 'yes' when I say no. I've consented to doing things I don't like, to please him. This is not just sexual, but in a general, all around sense.
      • Permission. I always ask permission for everything I do. I see it as respect to the fact that most of the money comes from him. It also promotes myself to trust his actions, and to help him accept times when he may be wrong. 
      • Authority. Thomas has all the authority. Nothing more, nothing less, and this should be easy to understand.
    • Others. I've been asked why I have to ask permission, and laughed at for having to do so. Even my step-mother can't seem to understand why he is in charge. It is a very female-sentric home back in their house. They usually have a 'compromise' household, which I technically don't.
  4. Sexuality
    • Mine. Sex is just sex to myself. I can use it as a physical way to have fun, to sort through my mind, and to just get an orgasm and move on. I can always use it to connect with a person. Nudity is not sexual at for me. I am open about what happens sexually between Thomas and I. We like things that most would consider 'freaky', which it seems that most people like as well. I am bisexual - I am attracted to males and females, and am open to relationships to both at the same time.
    • Others. Sex is for a marriage. Sex is for reproduction (which I can agree with). Sex is between a man and a woman, no more, no less, no others. Anything other than covered body is bad, dangerous, and screws up our kids. A penis and a vagina are hideous body parts. Breasts are hideous body parts. Birth control is for baby-killers. This is pretty much  made up of things I think ignorant people think.
I was trying to think of others to list, but I can't seem to think of more, so this will do.

I am going to print this out and give it to my counselor. Even the ones explaining my relationship and sexuality.

2 comments:

  1. I would have been enraged at being called a bitch and a disrespectful little shit simply for expressing a different viewpoint. Was Thomas there when this happened? What did he do?

    ReplyDelete