Friday, May 4, 2012

When Master and I talked about him re-enlisting, I told him that it would probably take a while for me to get used to him being gone on the weekends. I don't have any friends here, so I kind of just talk to him, and lean on him when I'm having issues, or when I want attention, or whatever.
I also told him that it was completely his choice.
I'm having a hard time this weekend - due to PMS & the fact that he's gone for the second weekend in a row. I feel like I haven't seen him much in the last two weeks, due to work and drill weekends.
Anyway, I told him this, and he said that he shouldn't have reenlisted if it was giving me a hard time. I reminded him that I told him before, and he said:
I thought that within two weeks you'd' be glad to be rid of me.
I started crying and said: No, I'm excited after a day of you being away for you to come home.
He sighed.
I don't know what I'm going to do when he's gone for two weeks, and I'll be in a new apartment all by myself. We move the beginning of August, and he has to go to training the last two weeks of August.
I don't want to make him stressed or upset, but he told me to tell him when I am upset, so I am.
I also said I'd support him, and I find myself not able to do that!

I have an irrational fear of guns. I don't remember having been around them, except those in a case (but, I don't remember my childhood so..maybe my fear is from there?)
Thomas wanted to get a gun this afternoon on his way to drill. I said No! Don't add more stress to my already full plate!
Again, he said he didn't realize him going away for weekend a month would be that bad.
I said it's not that, I'm getting nervous with the wedding, the move, and his two weeks of training.
It's like he underestimated my panic and fears. I've been crying for three hours over this.
I don't know if I'm strong enough to deal with all these issues. I start counseling next week but....
I want to be able to function like a normal person!
I just want to be able to support him, and not let my fears habitually take over. I don't know how to stop it.

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