Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Poly, Kink, Us

I've been trying to think of something major to write about in here. Ya'll know, if you read my journal, that I have these moments of 'reflection', deep and ....thought..ful... well, whatever.

I haven't had that in ages. I feel kind of lost - like... I don't know. Bah.

WARNING: Adult Conversation - sex, multiple partners, M/s, kink .... kind of :) Probably R rated, lol.

The only big thing happening lately is my ... want of another partner. Over the course of the last year, I have deemed myself polyamorous. I am okay with being with more than one person in a long term relationship.

In my mind, there is no possible way one person can be all that you want. It just.. doesn't computer with all the .. people and things out there in the world? Compatible, sure, but nothing is perfect. I think that's why I am okay with dating other people at once.

Now, with Master it's a bit different. He is okay with it, but hasn't had the urge to do it himself. The big issues here is: if I do, he has to do it.

Which isn't the case. He just needs to okay who I am with etc. As part of our M/s relationship, he has full veto rights on a person. Technically, he can veto even me being with another person, but.. I don't think I will ever be fulfilled and happy to the point of... well,...

I can't find the words, but I hope you get what I mean. The fact that he has said okay to me having a female partner in a long term setting, either for me or for US, is a big step.

I want more, though. My biggest thing?

Two dominant men. Who will take care of me, dominate me, and make sure our lives are good. I see us living in the same house, me serving their needs, generally and sexually, and having a family, children and pets.

Maybe it's the... if one leaves, I'll have the other to look after me.

Anyway, back to Master's issues with this. He says that is how he was raised (one man, one woman, the end), and it's hard to change. He also said that he likes the idea, but his self-confidence is a bit low - low as in he doesn't want a better man to take me.

So, our goals now are:

Work on both of our issues: Trust. In ourselves, and each other.

The words "Master" and "Owner" are key here. No one else can own me. I just.. it's not what we do. Me having another partner doesn't say "you don't have me anymore". To me it says "you are able to love so much and bring other people happiness and love". The collar I have? No one else can collar me.

1) There is no room on my neck.
2) He is my only owner. I can have another dominant, but someone who has complete control? No.

On another note, Sharing is a huge way of showing more control over a person, rather than just saying NO. Think about it!

Who you can be with, how you can be with them, where you can be with them... that is so much more control over me, and I *love* that idea. Love it!

OK, I think I am done :)

Hope you all are well <3

Monday, June 25, 2012

Pictures

I am posting pictures here. They are found on fetlife, but I know there are some readers who don't have fetlife :) I also have some livejournal friends that look at my 18+ pictures here XD
















Friday, June 22, 2012

Boring Update

Last post was about the wedding, I think? I didn't look before I went to this page to write this. Master and I have been busy! We found out that our lease is up at the end of July, instead of August. He has to leave on the 27th of July to go to his annual training, so we hope to move before then.

We found a cute apartment, made in a victorian house. It is 1.5 bedrooms - a cute little space perfect for a little office. Or kink room, he says, but he'd want a door, and it doesn't have one.. lol!

I have a little bit of pictures on my fetlife page, but nothing majorly new.

I have been talking to a couple that lives here - the girl does, but the Daddy lives in Wisconsin. He is moving here next year, they say. I like her, so far. Haven't met her in person - timing is so off! Well, it's only been a week since we got married XD

My name change is almost official!

Um, on the dynamic front?

I am obedient, I am finding, without realizing it. That's good. I am getting bored with the mundane-ness, the ... 'simple' days. I want some excitement! Then, I feel bad for telling Master. I love that I'm with him, but I';d love to.. well, do more stuff. More new stuff.

Oi, maybe I"m just... still young and getting used to the idea of settling down.

I am allowed a girlfriend, but... I want to be able to have a boyfriend. He is not ready to do that, I don't know if he will or not. I am not going to focus on it, though.

It isn't a huge matter. All that matters is that I find ways to make him happy, and make myself happy in doing that :)


Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Mom In Law Woes

This is pretty funny. Master's mom called me and left a message, saying she wanted to ask me something. I thought it was important so I called her back as soon as she could. Here is our conversation:

Mother-In-Law: So, I saw on your facebook a post about.. bisexual?

[What the status said: I am proud to be bisexual!]

Me: Yeah, it's Pride month all around the states and I wanted to show it, as well.

Mother-In-Law: Oh, cause I was thinking that.. your married now? So, it's your support?

Me: Well, yeah, and pride in being myself.

Mother-In-Law: Ah, supporting. Since you are my daughter in law I can ask you about this stuff now. (laughs)

Me: (laughs uncomfortably)

Little conversation, then she's done.

Wow. My bisexuality has nothing to do with me getting married. And how plain can my status be?

I hope this doesn't cause... stuff.

Oi. People.

Master and I got a new apartment! Well, we put the deposit on it. AND it has a small little 'L' shape room that is JUST too small for a second bedroom. I want to make it out libary/office/kinky room. Except we have no way to shut a door for company...

Oi, anyway, we are moving out the month of July :)

Monday, June 18, 2012

Oops, forgot one!

I forgot this picture :) We are sitting at our wedding table as we were eating dinner.

It was a bit crazy - Duh, right? The day was filled with people, starting at 8am. Did setting up rehearsal, setting up, and a quick lunch. I tried to include my family, but it .. didn't work. I suppose they were anti-social. It still made me feel sad - I wanted them to be include. Bah.

Anyway, the ceremony went off without a hitch, except Master stuttering a bit (lol) and me laughing a bit as I said some things.It was windy as we put up the little metal ... er.. what is it? A upside down "U" thing that we stood under. Anyway, we had to decorate it in about an hour and didn't know what we had.

I was so nervous but it turned out GREAT.

It was a 5 minute ceremony. No kidding. Yay, right? We had our food, cut our cake, and opened our presents. We were out of their b 8: 15.

We got mostly money, and a few things to put on our wall. Master's grandma had a 'doilie' (?) that said our last name, and that was pretty awesome. The biggest thing that almost made me cry, though, was the afghan my grandparents gave me from my Great Grandmother Lucille. She was my best friend, when I was a kid, and is the biggest devastation in my life when she died.

Funny, a little blanket made me cry, but nothing else did. I think what did it was the fact she had my name on it, and I never knew. Hm.

This weekend we nice! We mostly did Denver ComicCon, looking at vendors and bought some little stuff. You can see most of the things in the pictures :) We went to a Doctor Who Panel on Saturday night, and we did a little Doctor Who trivia on Sunday evening. We went out to eat a few times, and we also went to the Denver Flea Market, getting some stuff.

I got a hat!



Pictures!

Wedding pictures :)












Comic Con Pictures


















Thursday, June 14, 2012

Wedding Things

I am being a really good wife-to-be AND a slave these past few days. Master is letting me take the reigns with planning the wedding, but I always ask him for his approval. He usually says whatever, but it still makes me feel like I am doing okay by asking him :)

Had a major crisis for a second there - neither of my wedding dresses fit But we ran around the mall 40 minutes away and found something! Yay!

Things are going as planned for tomorrow, I just hope it doesn't rain. There are storms through today and tonight.. bah!

At least we have a closed pavilion to go if/when it rains XD

Wedding day is tomorrow. Then, Denver ComicCon this weekend, and a flea market. Master is taking me to get my tattoo finished.

OH! Master got me a Rainbow Dash t-shirt, and some art supplies. I promised him some praline pecans, so when we get back and I get paid I will get him a whole box!

<3

Talk to you guys later!

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Party! Littles! Communication!

Master and I went to a party last night. It was a round table discussion of different topics - Newbie table, Switches, Puppies, Littles, Male Subs,... and then there were just other circles of random talk, lol. I sat at the little table, and had a wonderful time discussing and being involved in a tiny bit of age play. Involved int he fact that my head space was that of my 4 year old little. I played with stickers, and the Lead Little Talker brought a big castle to color.

That was lovely!

I decided yesterday that I want to explore my little more, as in role play. The most I have done anything lately was a few times playing with toys, coloring, discussing stuff. I have never role-played.

Master has said, during our discussion of this, that he has seen that I am a horrible slave when I am little. I think I need to have 'separate times' for that. We discussed how we could do that.

1) A littles group on fetlife specifically for my role playing time. Me as moderator, Master as moderator, and a female and male big as moderator. Maybe another little just to even things out.
2) Ask permission to role play sexually, even though that is very rare for me to feel that way. Most of the time it can be fixed by him sexing me up, in a way :P
3) Specific amount of time spent on my little group. One of his concerns is that I may be in that space more and more if I do this, and it may make our relationships harder.
  • 1 hour on the little group in a setting. (a few hours between each setting)
  • 2 hours on Internet in a setting. (a few hours between each setting)

I can't think of anything else specifically in our conversation. He is still thinking about it, and I just hope he says yes, because I have so many ideas for this group!

One thing we are good at, is communication. I am hoping we use this as I explore this. Master says he just doesn't... understand ... why there needs to be a 'little' side. I can't do much to explain it, so I hope he actually takes time to read the stuff that is available to him.

I feel that he hasn't taken the time or effort to do that, and I have suggested it before.

*sigh*

I can't make him do something he doesn't want to do. I just hope things work out better than they have. My little side is just... taking over when I really don't want it to.

Wish us luck!

Hope all is well with you guys :)

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

I suck at this.

First off, Master wrote a tiny entry in his blog. I honestly wish he was the type of person to elaborate more, to just talk without thinking. He isn't. He thinks things through. He walks on the sidewalks even when it's easier to walk through an empty parking lot.

(Which is a fight we got into - I think I'm only allowed to walk on sidewalks now... and I'm only half joking!)

I suck at being a slave. I hate it. I know I can do it. I forget that the world doesn't go around me. I forget that I function better when I just trust and do as he says. I forget that I made a promise to Master for him to be my master.

This is enough punishment. I want to be better. I want to!

I feel like I am not getting the same amount as I am giving in our relationship, but that has nothing to do with M/s. That's a discussion for our general relationship.

I need to sit at his feet, not on the couch, tonight. I need to be below him mentally and physically.

I need him to be above me! Not equal, above. In intellect, emotions, and physically. Be above me! Please. I need it.

I wrote this the other day. It is coming into play now:
 
Don't be nice.
Make me.
Don't be polite.
Make me.
I'm scared.
Make me.
It's fun.
Make me.
I say no!
You say yes!
Make me.
Oh, please, just make me!

Why marriage? Why why why?!

I had a comment on my 'marriage post' making the comment of "Why get married so soon, or even ever?" basically.

We have known each other almost exactly a year when we get married. We have lived together for 7 months. Master knew he wanted me way before I wanted him.

Because we can. That's the answer. Just because we can. To Master, marriage is the 'official' thing. For myself, it will help financially and legally.

For both of us, it's facing the fact that we may or may not be part of the divorce statistic. And we are happy to take that chance.

That's pretty much all I have to say on it.

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Nothing Important #2

I really have nothin exciting to tell anyone of you guys on here :) Master and I are just relaxing on the couch. I've been... too say the least, bitchy, because of my PMS. And I can blame it on PMS because it's proven.

That doesn't mean it's okay. Master has had to punish me a few times today. I hate it. But I know it's important, and I always apologize sincerely. I haven't had a punishment in a few hours, so that's an accomplishment.

I even made dinner even though I really, really didn't want to. I asked if I could have dessert, instead of just going to get it. I did the same for sitting on the couch.

I'm not a total lost.

LOL.

Have a good night, guys :)

Friday, June 1, 2012

Marriage. Who, this is new!

I had bad role models when it came to relationships growing up. I don't like to blame it all on the 'adults' that I had, though. There were a few loving couples (grandparents, a certain aunt and uncle) that have lasted, and are still together!

Anyway, it's weird to think of myself as getting married. I find it weird to see a couple together more than 5 years. I see it so weird to see couples with grown children, still together.

I think it's just my mind saying "This isn't what I saw before!".  Anyway.

Commitment. How do I know that Master and I will be together in 5 years? How will I know that he won't leave me? How will I know that I won't leave him?

The hardest answer to accept is really the best answer, I finally found.

*I don't know.*

There is no way to know if we will be together forever. What I do know? There will be happy days, sad days, and days where we just want to give up.

All that matters is that we keep that as a goal, a reason to work through our future problems. A reason to keep going when things are great.

I am honestly still freaked out about 'settling down', but I have gotten to a point where I am *okay* with it. I understand the reasoning why I am scared, and I am ready to face it.

Just as I am ready to face my past, forgive myself and others, I am ready to face the future.

In two weeks I'll be a wife. I'll have a brothers-in-law, I'll have a sister-in-law. I'll have parents-in-laws! Crazy to think of, but... so much more people coming into my life.

Weird.

Okay, I'm done with my little... writing :)