Thursday, August 30, 2012

jealousy - part 2

The only time I get really jealous is when I am 'off' emotionally, now. I suppose that's better then before and with my other relationships, where I got jealous anytime they commented on a women, right?

Master is commenting on some pictures from people on fetlife, who actually live here in Kearney, and I started crying and being jealous. Just now, if that matters, I haven't been 'horny' in a while and I don't know how to kick start it.

Maybe if I talk to my doctor about my lack of sexual interest next week when I see her. I am also going to ask Master if we can do a video of flogging tonight. I'll have the back room and camera ready and charged :) More incentive, I suppose?

Anyway, back to me getting teary-eyed. I know it's irrational, so I am telling myself, softly, that I know why it's happening, and there is no major reason for it.

And it's working. I'm still getting upset when I see the comments on fetlife. This is when I wish I was still a 'friend whore' on there, where it would go by my feed fast and I wouldn't see it again even if I scroll forever XD

Good morning?

Monday, August 27, 2012

Difference in socializing and stuffs

Master and I had little.. er disagreement with a bit of tears a few moments ago. I'll talk about it.

I had a meeting set up with a couple at an ice cream place. I was fine up until about 5 minutes before, and I said I couldn't go. I was too scared to go alone to meet these new strangers. I felt, and still feel a bit, bad about it. Really bad. I apologized, and the girl said it was fine, and I found out she is a lot like me. She doesn't go places without her fiance, much. So I feel a bit better about it. Still feel BAD but.. not as much.

Anyway, Master came home and said he was frustrated.

"Why should we be 'poly' if we can't meet peopel one on one? We can't meet people and get to know people in big groups?!"

"Yes, you can!" I said. "You can take them to the corner and get to know them. Tune out what is going on, and talk to a person."

"I can't do that."

"I can. We just have difference ways we socializing, and feel comfortable doing it. We should find a way to fix this."

"I don't know how to fix it" he says.

"One way is that I go to big events, you go to small events, and we both go to 'middle' events," i say.

"But then we Don't get to do anything together!"

"Okay," I said, thinking. "How about we just go together to all events? I feel comfortable enough when you are around and you said you are the same way."

We argued back and forth for a while, but stuck with my suggestion.

We (I) realize that he is the over thinker and I'm the no thinker. We should work okay, but it takes a while for us to compromise.

He says he still doesn't understand why I think socializing i big groups helps getting to know people, but I told him I have certain ways.

So now we are okay.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Sad times...

Well, my girl said that she was too busy for a relationship. I know it wasn't a blow off - she really is busy. Starting college, figuring out what she is going to do for work there, etc. I liked her, really, but I understand.

I'm still sad about it. :(

Other than that, nothing much. A weekend with Master has been super lazy. Cause we rock like that :)

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Lyrics and Emotion Post

I probably wrote it here. I am trying to walk at least 3 days a week in the morning, and hopefully turning it into more as I go. I took my morning walk, and did a lot of thinking. The main thing I thought about is about my trigger of Master smoking. Why?

That's my big thing. Why do I get freaked out over something simple as that? In a general sense, I don't care if he smokes or not. That's his choice, and as long as I don't smell it, cause it stinks, then it's cool. And he knows that, which is why he finds it so confusing why I freak out about it.

I think I figured out why. I associate smoking with the people who hurt me, which turned out to be people I loved and trusted. Duh, right? But, it's taken this long for my brain to connect the two. While I was tearing up over my epiphany, I heard a few songs, in order, that helped me realize it is actually time to move on.

I forgive you
For every time I cried
Over some stupid thing you did to hurt me
That's alright
(...)
We were just a couple of kids
Trying to figure out how to live doing it our way
No shame, no blame
'Cause the damage is done
And, and I forgive you
I Forgive You - Kelly Clarkson
- Song Video

AND THEN

Gotta keep on running
Stay on the attack
'Cause the day you quit's the day you wish you had it back

Only The Strong Survive - McFly - Song Video

Then, I went and swinged on the swings <3

This video is for the people who are having a sucky time at life right now :)

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Well, it's official

I have a girl, and it's nice. I mean, I'm the type to blab about it to everyone, so hope she doesn't mind XD I am not going to be advertising it on Facebook, but everywhere else, sure XD She is lovely, we have been talking for about 2 months.

We chatted about it yesterday, and we like each other, want to be more than friends, and we decided to be friends AND more, so we are officially dating and even though she is in Maine, and I in Nebraska, we figure we will visit each other once we can afford it.

She asked how we would do this, and I said: organically. I mean, you can't just make something comfortable right? So I said we would communicate, if something was wrong and if it was going write, and do something about it. And be honest. I also said that this shouldn't stop her from 'seeing' people in her area, as long as I have a a place in her... whatever she wants to think of it, lol.

And, I truly do like her. I hope it works well, and I won't be thinking negatively. Well, trying not to XD

I also asked Master if, in the future, he would allow me to date other men. My 'poly brain' doesn't quite get his reasons but I understand them, so I don't push it too much. He said that it's 'hovering above the table'. He says that he knows what a woman has that he doesn't, but doesn't know what a man would have that he doesn't have.

I understand it. My brain, though, says no one can have everything a person wants. He says he doesn't think that way.

So for now, it is females, and I think I'm gonna stick with the two relationships I have going now.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Events Scattered!

We forgot that Master's aunt, who took our wedding pictures, has her wedding this saturday. We RSVPed to a kink even three weeks ago that is on the same day. We have tried to work both in, but it's impossible. I don't want to go, and as bad as I feel to say it, I'd rather go to the kink event. I haven't gone in weeks, almost months.

The only option I see, though, is us going. Good thing is that there is another event on the 8th, which I'll be in Omaha anyway, cause I leave the next day to go to LA (19 days until I leave!). AND it's pirate themed :) I can wear my new high heel shoes! I need to find clothes to wear with it though :(

I am trying not to be too upset. Of course we will end up going to the wedding. 1) we are obligated with the fact that she took out pictures for FREE and we said we'd be there. and 2) it's cheaper than going to Omaha for the event on the same day, and we need to save money right now.

I just gotta suck it up, LOL

On another note, I have a sinus headache from hell.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Random Blog

Talked to Master about my concerns last night, and he says that he shouldn't have to tell me yes or no all the time. I told him it makes me feel more secure in my actions if he acknowledges things. He said he will try to do better at acknowledging the good things I do - he said it may help us in the long run.

I said that I would try to do better at being positive and being 'happy'. The medication is helping a bit. My period/PMS is not helping at all. I cried over stupid things last night, and we fought again. I honestly can't remember what it was about.

OH Smoking. I crumpled up the cigarettes that he had bought and threw them in the trash. He told me he quit - him buying some means he didn't quit. It was a lie and I was mad.

I shouldn't have done that, I should have spoken to him calmly, but I didn't.

Seeing or even thinking about him smoking is a really bad trigger, one of my biggest, and I get scared and 'freak out' and go back to when I was a child. The only thing I see when that happens, from the flash back, is smoke curly up form a cigarette me crying and scared, and a the hand holding it.

I get that flashback every time I even think about him smoking, seeing that he bought some just broke me down.

Anyway, back to the blog.

I am off work today. Um, that's it.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Re-Reading Rules

Re-reading my rules, I see I have only been doing half of the 'tasks' everyday since starting. Master hasn't said anything to me about it. I don't know what to think.

One part of me is like 'do it anyway maybe he'll notice it when you do it'. Another part of me says 'why should you do it if he doesn't notice you NOT doing it?"

The only way to figure this out is to talk to him. So, I will do that tonight. Meanwhile, I will try to get as much done today as I can before he gets home on 4 hours. Should be most of it XD



 Just a few pictures I've taken recently :)
The one of both of us was around the time he got back from training.

Master ordered this - I hope it fits :) It's pretty eh?

Okay, off to do the stuff I need to do :) <3

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

30,000

Wow, 30,000 views! Holy crap! I am not that interesting, I swear XD Not sure if it's regular people, or if it's all different people. *shrug* Does it matter?

I love writing stuff for people to read. Love it. I want to do it professionally, but I can't seem to find my groove with fiction, and with non-fiction I tend to be not sure what to write ABOUT. I know I want to write a memoir - God knows I have gone through tons of stuff.

Anyway, Master is back to working after getting his wisdom (2 bottoms) out Monday morning.

I have walked the past two mornings. Yay! Good for me right? That's it, nothing special :)

Sunday, August 12, 2012

I am Fat

I am fat.
By saying that I am not looking for people to come back and say no, I am not looking for compliments. I am just speaking technicalities.
I am fat. I am a bit overweight. It is not healthy for me.
I am not ugly. I am not weird looking. I am just fat.
I like saying that, because I am not saying it as me hating myself. I am saying it realizing that there is something I need to fix to make myself healthier so I can live longer.
:-)
Some of the new rules from Master goes with this. We both need to do more movement, if nothing else. At least 3 times a week I am supposed to take a long walk, where I try to work up to jogging three times a week.
Which is okay with me.
Anyway, being fat doesn't mean I am ugly. It just means I'm fat.
And I am trying to make myself healthier now.

Gangbangs and parties

Well, nothing about parties here :) Master as posted in his blog about a small gangbang he is up to having for me. I've been asking for a while, and I've been waiting for him to take action. I don't want to make him try something he wasn't ready for, ya know?

But I'm nervous and excited now :)

Why can't I just do it?!

It seems some people don't understand why I can't just do new things. Why can't I just do the new rules he has set for me? I need to be taught a new routine. I need to know that if I do it wrong, that negative things will happen.

I can't do it myself. My brain doesn't click that way. I need help with learning to do the right thing, the way Master wants me to do it.

I hope with these new set of rules, and Master paying attention to it, it may help. I need Master to pay attention and discipline me when I do something wrong, and tell me how awesome I am when doing the right things.

People think I put too much pressure on Master, that as a slave I shouldn't be tell him 'do it this way!', but I can't do what he wants unless he physically shows me. By telling me directly - this is wrong, or this is right.


Interesting..

Master coming home was.. weird. Like, I was happy, honestly, but it wasn't the 'OMG YAY!' I thought I'd feel. I think I was just beginning to get used to being alone that having him come home messed up the routine I had, and I don't like messing up my routine.

Yesterday we had sex, but I couldn't get off. I wasn't feeling it, and I cried at the end and after. I don't know why, and I feel so bad for Master. Maybe I was just overwhelmed. It took pretty much all day yesterday to adjust.

I am feeling better today. We had wonderful sex late last night. He didn't get off, but I did multiple times, and that seems to make him feel as good as it did me. He said that if we did that every day or so, it would be amazing exercise. LOL

Also, a funny communication fail:

I got undressed, like my new rules says, and I say "Master, look, I followed a rule!" He looks at me and says "I told you were were starting that on Monday". I was so confused, and he said he told me last night. I don't remember, but it made me laugh.

So I'm free until Monday? XD




Friday, August 10, 2012

A short post...

Master made a big Code Of Conduct and Duties list. I put it in my "Rules & Contract" page. It is also on his blog, if you wan to comment to him about it.

Updated it :) Used the wrong name lol

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Thank you...

Morgaine said:
Honey, you need to focus on keeping your house in order, little or not....it is your job as a slave!
 This made me think about my last (written) post. My job as slave is to serve him. He has told me before to clean up the house while he is away. I even told him I'd do it as a surprise before he told me to do it! I've been thinking more about how much I miss him, how sad I am, that I forgot my job.

My place in this relationship is wife/slave first. [er, those things are interchangeable in our relationship]

Yes, I have kind of drawn away from the outside world, but I still am living in my own world, right? My safe place is still my house, and the fact that I have a husband/Master who shares it with me.

Today is a better 'mental' day than the last few days have been. I picked up the bedroom, and I am going to set an alarm to get off the computer/stop playing at 11AM and clean up the living room. It shouldn't take more than half an hour, so that's awesome.

If I set alarms and timers, I tend to be better. I think I am going to set another alarm for 2PM to do the dishes.

And maybe afterwards I will play with my new MLP toys :)

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Dependence. Littles. Master

I haven't been here on fetlife physically. I also haven't been into 'fetlife' type of stuff mentally. Since Master has been gone, it's felt... off. Like, pieces of me weren't there. Um, it's hard to explain. I am still his slave, still think the same way, but I know I have drawn more inside myself since he has been gone.

(Man, it's only two weeks, hopefully it doesn't turn into longer sometime!)

I tell people 'my little has taken over', and that is only part of it. I cling. I'm a clinger. I depend. I'm a depender (okay not a word, but you get it). I depend on his mere presence to put me at ease.
Weird. I never though it would be like that.

Yes, my little has been out the whole time. I haven't been that sexual, really. I've been having a hard time focusing and making it through work. All I've wanted to do was go home and play with my toys (computer and music are my toys).

I haven't been able to do anything but play with my toys. I've cleaned up when it's needed, but it's only until I can't do what I need to do (make dinner cause the dishes are ALL dirty), that I notice it.
I feel guilty about dependance. As an adult, having someone be there just to make me feel the need to do simple chores, simple things that all adults do.

Is this what makes me a little? I think it could be part of it. And, I do love my toys.

I haven't forgotten about my friends here, but I have forgotten 'the outside world". If that even makes sense.
I'll be back soon, I promise :)

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Some Wedding Photos










Ummm, yeah

The only thing in my live right now?

McFly. I'm sorry I haven't posted XD I got my tickets, and my little cherie is screaming with joy.

Master will be back in 8 days. That's awesome. I talk to him almost every night (there was one night I couldn't). He just laughed at how excited I am about the concert.

I've been thinking. I know now why I married him. I feel complete with him. I mean, I never really believe that. I always just brushed that type of thing off, but since he has been gone, I've felt 'different'. Like I was before I met him.

He makes me better, he makes me do more, and just having him support my teenager-ish obsession with McFly makes him an even better husband, let alone Master.

Not in a 'I'm not poly" type of complete, but a "I'm happy with him!" kind of complete. I feel there is a difference XD

I haven't read your blogs, but I am going to do that now before I go to work this afternoon.

Whew, lots of working lately. My hours are gonna be cut from 35 (give or take) a week, to about 15 (give or take) a week. Target does 'average hours' so, I need my average to stay before 25 to stay part time. Of course. XD

Later, lovers :)