Sunday, October 28, 2012

Neglection (200th post)

I've neglected this blog because I don't feel like I am in a M/s relationship anymore. He doesn't seem to be the one in charge, and I seem to be doing my own thing, instead of things for him.

I don't know if I consider that M/s, so it's been hard to keep this blog updated.

There was one evening we tried to do a scene. His instructions were to be in my black lace thong and high heels, kneeling on the floor in front of the couch. I was also to find the rope, flogger, and lay them by the couch. I was kind of nervous because he didn't tell me anything else, but was also excited cause I haven't had a scene in ages. Months, maybe!

I was kneeling as he said when he got home. He tied the rope to the loop in the collar, kissing me, and running his hands over me. He didn't use the flogger. He pulled me to the bedroom, kissing me, and used his hands, then mouth on me. He flipped me over, and his cock was inside me. He spanked me a little, but not enough to leave a mark.

We both finished, but I felt so unsatisfied it wasn't funny. I wanted to use the flogger, the rope, more foreplay. I felt like crying after it. I told Master this, as I am trying to keep my feelings open for him to know. It helps to know how the other is feeling right?

It wasn't great at all. Sex was fine, but I don't like fine.

After that, we haven't done much. We've had sex since then, better, because he spanked so hard I was flinching it hurt, but I wouldn't mind more flogger time, more foreplay time, more living room playtime. I mean, we have the apartment to ourselves, why not use it?

I've been starting to write a book on living with mental health issues - so I've been trying to focus on that and get through work without falling on my face with depression or manic episodes. That makes my mind busy.

<3 thanks so much for the 40,000+ views, and not sure who is looking at me all the time on here, but there ya go :)

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

new blogging

Master wrote a new blog. Check it out in the link to the side, eh?


I was so frustrated last night and I was crying. My little was out, I wasn't feeling good, and I kept saying "just tell me what to do!" and Master got all confused. He didn't get it, and then he figured out I need a step by step orders. "Get up. Walk to the Kitchen. Get a drink. Breathe" and then he got frustrated saying "do you need to have step by step instructions? seriously?"

I'm still frustrated. I mean, I need that type of instruction, and he doesn't get it and it's hard cause my mind doesn';t do well with a "maybe: attitude. I need specifics down to the last detail so I know I am doing what he wants the right way.


Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Caught a bit off guard...

Off guard in a good way. I wrote about the whole poly thing in my public/vanilla livejournal blog, and a commenter said that maybe Master was taking time because we had only been married for 4 months. It sunk in, and I was all "Whoa, you are right!" it feels like we've been married longer.

So, I was going to talk to Master about waiting, and to apologize for pushing it. Just as I was going to text him, from work, he texted me with a "Yes, to your question about finding a partner". I blinked and asked him if he was sure.

He wrote a writing on it, here, and explains why he said yes. I gotta say, I'm nervous, not cause he said yes, but because I am allowed to look for what I want to find. I'm scared and a feeling a bit new.

Master has been happier and a bit more 'up' since he told me yes. We even had really good sex that night. He asked me the night before about how I would feel if he dated someone. I said that I would feel a bit awkward, but I would get over it. I would only have negative feelings because of worry, not because I didn't trust or love him. And that I would learn to get over that, if he wanted to be in another relationship someone he truly liked.

We both have confidence in our bond and love. I think that is the best thing you can have when starting a poly type of relationship.


Tuesday, October 9, 2012

I just wanted to lead you guys to Master's post about why he said yes to poly. I will write a bigger post tomorrow :)

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Another person, time, talking

I don't hide things from him, but I am going to have to word this the right way with him. I want another male in my life - another male partner. We consider ourselves polyamorous, as I've written out in the little essay about my relationship. I hope I explained that part decently.

I am not sure I want this new male partner to be sexual. My little side needs some attention, and I feel I can't do it with Thomas. If I didn't explain my 'little' side, it's basically a mindset - I am 5 years old during certain times and act like a 5 year old. I like that part of me, but I don't let it take over my life.

I think I also have a 'tween' side to me, but that is doing fine cause she is sexual, and can come out when sex is happening, at least in my mind, and I can have fun with it. I'm okay with that part. It's the 5 year old that keeps getting stuck in my head, not being able to come out.

I haven't been able to let it out at all, though, and it's bothering me. It's a part of me that I truly want to be around at least sometimes. I want to play and be around people who understand it. I want a 'top' type of person who takes care of me, plays with me, and I can call... well.. Daddy. As in a daddy figure. Thomas is more of a 'best friend/lover' type of person.

Anyway, I am going to ask him for permission to 'date' a 'daddy figure' type of guy. It may be a little odd at first, trying to keep sexual little cherie and little little cherie separate, but I think I can do it, and it can help. I've tried other things - doing it on my own, playing with my groups on fetlife - but it isn't the same as Real Life contact with person with my little side.

I am going to give it a few more days, so I can show Thomas that I do love him, and this doesn't mean I love him less, or that he is less to me. I may show him this entry. It kind of fits what I have in mind. Not sure totally what I want yet, so...

^^ This is what I wrote yesterday. It kind of came out last night after playing, when I was still high on subspace and would answer anything honestly. He says that the only thing stopping him is "trusting another person with his life" and he says he considers me his life right now.

I get that. It made me understand better. It also made me understand that it would happen with time. He needs to find someone he trusts, and I need to find someone I am compatible with. I told him he doesn't have to be in love with the guy, but respect and trust would be there. I also said I wouldn't be sexual as soon as I met the person. It might even take months for the sex to come up.

I did say I needed a serious relationship with another male, just because of the way my brain thinks and how it works and such, and that includes sexual time. He said he got it, just come around to the trust thing. He said he'd give me an answer soon, so that's cool. My brain just doesn't work with the Yes or No answer, it just doesn't compute it well.

I told him it may come to practicing and seeing if it works or not - it may hurt a little, but that may be the only way to even give it a chance.

He said maybe.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

I apologize..

I haven't written anything exciting lately, and I apologize. I have some thoughts tumbling in my had, but they are for a paper journal until I can completely write them for all to see, if that makes sense. One of those things that I want to have the right words before I tell everyone, yeah?

I will try to go through the blogs I follow and comment after this is done being written :)

I only have two more things for my Halloween costume. I have a skirt and a glittery purple headband to get. I don't have the money right now, but maybe when Master and I go grocery shopping tomorrow we can get some - the skirt is on clearance and I want it before it goes!

I am Twilight Sparkle. So excited :) Haven't worn my corset lately, haven't' had sex lately, and we haven't done anything 'M/s' centric in a long while. Work, money, and stress, ya know?

But, I am always his slave at heart, so I don't think that is a big deal :) Here is some pictures to get ya through the blandness that is my blog!

Just woke up from this morning.
Collar appreciation!