Thursday, October 4, 2012

Another person, time, talking

I don't hide things from him, but I am going to have to word this the right way with him. I want another male in my life - another male partner. We consider ourselves polyamorous, as I've written out in the little essay about my relationship. I hope I explained that part decently.

I am not sure I want this new male partner to be sexual. My little side needs some attention, and I feel I can't do it with Thomas. If I didn't explain my 'little' side, it's basically a mindset - I am 5 years old during certain times and act like a 5 year old. I like that part of me, but I don't let it take over my life.

I think I also have a 'tween' side to me, but that is doing fine cause she is sexual, and can come out when sex is happening, at least in my mind, and I can have fun with it. I'm okay with that part. It's the 5 year old that keeps getting stuck in my head, not being able to come out.

I haven't been able to let it out at all, though, and it's bothering me. It's a part of me that I truly want to be around at least sometimes. I want to play and be around people who understand it. I want a 'top' type of person who takes care of me, plays with me, and I can call... well.. Daddy. As in a daddy figure. Thomas is more of a 'best friend/lover' type of person.

Anyway, I am going to ask him for permission to 'date' a 'daddy figure' type of guy. It may be a little odd at first, trying to keep sexual little cherie and little little cherie separate, but I think I can do it, and it can help. I've tried other things - doing it on my own, playing with my groups on fetlife - but it isn't the same as Real Life contact with person with my little side.

I am going to give it a few more days, so I can show Thomas that I do love him, and this doesn't mean I love him less, or that he is less to me. I may show him this entry. It kind of fits what I have in mind. Not sure totally what I want yet, so...

^^ This is what I wrote yesterday. It kind of came out last night after playing, when I was still high on subspace and would answer anything honestly. He says that the only thing stopping him is "trusting another person with his life" and he says he considers me his life right now.

I get that. It made me understand better. It also made me understand that it would happen with time. He needs to find someone he trusts, and I need to find someone I am compatible with. I told him he doesn't have to be in love with the guy, but respect and trust would be there. I also said I wouldn't be sexual as soon as I met the person. It might even take months for the sex to come up.

I did say I needed a serious relationship with another male, just because of the way my brain thinks and how it works and such, and that includes sexual time. He said he got it, just come around to the trust thing. He said he'd give me an answer soon, so that's cool. My brain just doesn't work with the Yes or No answer, it just doesn't compute it well.

I told him it may come to practicing and seeing if it works or not - it may hurt a little, but that may be the only way to even give it a chance.

He said maybe.

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